If you are undeniably old, as in a forty-something loser who has yet to grasp the woo-ing process, then you may find yourself hitting on some poor twenty something who’s just trying to buy kit-kats in the self check out line.

GET A GRIP, old man.

Why does this happen? How do people go through high school and even college unaware of the intricacies behind getting a woman? The advantage that women have is that we never have to pursue anyone unless we really want to–which we never do because it’s too easy to then categorize us as a sluts. Noted.

The woo-ing process is necessary and do not let yourself turn thirty without knowing it. This is for the men without sisters: YOU NEED A PLAYER phase. Guys with sisters do not seem to have any confusion when it comes to understanding the basics of women.

You need that player period where you dream of a different woman every other night and fall in love as a hobby. You need that phase where all you want is women in general. That chapter of enlightenment may be more valuable to you than the years sprung on one girl. The player period will quickly reveal what women are sensitive to. You learn that women interact completely differently with each other than men do with one another. You need to know that periods are not a myth and what impresses fictitious women in movies is not real life. And as a player, you learn how to harden yourself against our bitchy tendencies and adapt to our childish nuances.

You learn that you cannot just start a conversation with “Can I have your number?” Because as funny as that one Mad TV clip is, it is disturbingly true. “Nah I don’t think I’m interested, but thanks!” I plead. I also used to be an honest idiot who would go ahead and admit that I didn’t have a boyfriend and of course the creepiness took a sudden leap towards psychopathy, justifying an arrest warrant. So do I have a boyfriend? Absolutely I have a boyfriend—all year long, in fact.

If you don’t have sisters to become perceptive with, I suggest a player phase for any guy. Wear Ed-Hardy and cause scenes in public places if you must but just do it. You will appreciate real women so much more afterwards because you’ll easily be able to detect them and attain them.

It’s become a carrying joke that this blog thrives on lists so I’m going to avoid spilling the ancient secret known as The Female Woo-ing Process because it’s up to all the players out there to discover it.

The kit-kats were totally worth it.