1. Britney Spears ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’ (1999)
If ‘my loneliness was ever killing me’ then you better believe I would turn into a rampant whore. Spears roams through the halls sulking, begging her boy toy for another chance so he can show her how ‘he wants it to be’. She knows she’s ‘BLIGHN-ded’ but ‘there’s nothing she wouldn’t do’…the reason she ‘breathes is you’. Eeeeeek, get it together, girl. Play MASH to find out if he’s really The One.
2. Justin Timberlake ‘Cry Me A River’ (2002)
The heartache in this song is so fierce that Justin needed heavy rainfall and Gregorian monks to echo his sorrow. His first mistake was making a rising pop star his “sun” and “earth”. She didn’t cheat on him with just one guy, ‘NOooOoo….DON’T ACT LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW IT!’ Her river of apologetic tears weren’t enough so Justin broke into her house with (his bro before his hoe) Timbaland to stalk and torment. I hope I’m never the cheater or the cheatee because really, who ever looks good in a pool of sorry tears?
3. The Cardigans ‘Lovefool’ (1997)
‘Love me, lovvee me’ should never be an actual sentence in any language.“Pretend that you love me. Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me,” is sung so whimsically that you almost forget that this is a desperate plea from a delusional ex. Anyone that can manage to relate to this song in its entirety is hopeless.
4. Cher ‘Believe’ (1998)
At first listen, you want to relate to this songs strong will undertones and a central theme of moving on. This may be my bias against Cher’s vocal identity crisis but I really feel that ultimately, the message is more bitter than hopeful. The whole, “no, I don’t need you anymore” and the continuous mull over “do you believe in life after love” has me left feeling hollow. The question is never answered but I’m going to assume that Cher found life after love happily ever after.
5. Taylor Swift ‘You Belong With Me’ (2009)
I can’t deny that this song is precious. However, we cannot forget to grasp the severity of a lunatic with a guitar—convinced that she should have your boyfriend. How exactly does Swift know what this boy is fighting over ‘on the phone with his girlfriend’? “She’ll never know your story like I do,” what story? Rule of Thumb: Do not tell stalkerish neighbors your life story because she may try to kill your girl friend behind the bleachers after cheer practice. Taylor, because I love you, I’m going to pretend that this song is hypothetical and not a page out of your diary like the rest of your songs.
6. Maroon 5 ‘She Will Be Loved’ (2004)
Has there been a standing ovation for all those foolish shmucks waiting on their girl best friend to fall in love with them? Despite her ‘always belonging to someone else’, he drives for ‘miles and miles just to wind up at her door’. And does he even ‘mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain’? Hell no he doesn’t. In fact, he spends all that time wondering if she’ll ever properly be loved—since it apparently cannot be him. Um, is there no justice left in this world? Why can’t it ‘always be rainbows and butterflies’? Dear ‘Girl With The Broken Smile’, that poor guy is starting to get pruny.
7. Spice Girls ‘Wannabe’ (1997)
Does this song know how to get old? Whatever this “zigazig-ahhh” is, is keeping you from your woman so ‘forget her past’, ‘you gotta make it fast’ and ‘if you really wanna be her lover’ well, you ‘gotta get with her friends.’ This relationship deal is a snag! You don’t deal with her pasts’ baggage. Since its fast, it’s easily hittable and quittable. And if you want to later upgrade to ‘Friends With Benefits’ then you must also agree to “Friends and Friends with Benefits.” Can anyone complain? Actually yes, because the song isn’t over it yet.
Your Nights’ Itinerary If You Agree To The Terms of The Song:
- “You got M in the place you who likes it in your face.”… Urrh, alright he may be down.
- “You got G like MC who likes it on a easy V, doesn’t come for free, she’s a real lady.” …Okay, negotiable.
- “And as for me, ahh you’ll see….” …Nope, zero surprise tolerance. Her V might turn out to be a D that you really don’t want inside your Mel B.