EX-amples of Why You Shouldn’t Date Me

Posted on April 29, 2013 by Tareen

1. I’m an Ego Crusher

If you like to be right but usually aren’t, your ego will not last long around me. Especially since I’m so good at being wrong. Its important that we both kind of suck.

During a trivial spat with a guy, one of his responses included, “Maybe you should eat more carrots because you heard me wrong—that’s not even what I said.”

Silence. A grin began to creep up my left cheek, and if you ever see this—you’re done.

Me: “Wait, what do you mean? Like, I should eat more carrots because carrots improve hearing? You meant eye sight, right?”

Dude: “No, carrots are for you ears.”

I typed: “carrots are good for your…” and Google finished with “Eyes”. Discussion over. The lesson here was not: Don’t Question Tareen—because I’m wrong all the time but am very okay with it. The lesson was apparently: Question Her in Secrecy and Go Home and Research (then maybe return back with anecdotal proof of your triumphant logic). This never happened.

I found this out because I once used the dude’s laptop and the side search bar pulled up previous searches—half of them were related to conversations he and I had.

Search: Are green onions and chives the same thing?

Search: Do girls actually poop?

Search: Does craving chocolate mean you could be dehydrated?

2. No Really, I’m an Ego Crusher

People in general like to be right, no sin here. But what if you are both convinced, without a smidge of doubt, that this debate is your victory?

Preface: Because we both thought we were hot shit, neither this guy nor I would ever admit to having been smitten over the other prior to the relationship. Mind you, we are already in a full on relationship at this point. We were once discussing how we hate searching and adding people on Facebook.

So I said, “Aww, but you took the time to add me.”

Dude: “Hell nah, you added me.” (RE: Hell Nah, I was obviously dating a drug lord)

Me: “I know for sure you added me”

LET ME SPARE YOU THE DETAILS OF THIS NONSENSE that could not be reconciled. This grossly irrelevant argument escalated over the span of weeks because Facebook is so omnipresent. Our egos and dignity started to ride on this debate.

I knew I was right. He “knew” he was right. I decided to succumb to desperate tactics. Fortunately, I have friends who work at Facebook. I had this super kind person – to whom I now owe a favor to—help me settle this petty debate.

Let me also spare you the suspense: duh, he added me. I felt like a total skeezeball but it was sadly worth it.

3. I Love Your Dad

And when I’m not too busy crushing egos, I like to repeatedly confess my unyielding lust for a male figure in the guy’s life. “Uh-what,” you say? It goes something like this…

“You look really good in that plaid shirt but honestly, nothing compares to how your dad rocks a suit and tie.”

“Are we talking on the phone tonight? No? Fine, I’ll just call up your hot brother then”

Text: Watcha doin?

My reply: Your daddy, in the back seat of a caddy. Don’t be jealous, you bratty.

In the off chance that these jokes would be funny the first time, they were definitely not received well the second or fourteenth time. And of course, the stupid jokes were only plausible up until I would meet the dad or brother. Then the gig was up. Your dad is such a good man! Not freaky at all.

4. I Will Make You Fat

Other than tormenting, I also enjoy cooking. I bet you guys love it when women cook for you. Fancy tacos, seafood stuffed shells, Thai curry, bragging here, chili, and more bragging. Basically anything I like to eat, I make. But guess what homies? I got you fat. All this time you thought I was so precious.

By the end of our relationship, they were always less in shape than when they had met me—and they had not stopped working out or anything. I win you over with your stomach and you lose me over your stomach. Commence maniacal laugh!

5. You Can’t Use My Moves Against Me

Sequel to story above: Guys love sandwiches. One guy kind of got the roles confused and liked to make me sandwiches. It was pretty cool. Not to worry though, I set him straight.

His sandwiches were simple: toasted bread, condiments, lettuce, deli meat, cheese—you get it. I once offered to make him one and when I handed it to him, he was PISSED. This beauty was a triple decker with pesto, two types of cheese, pan seared meat, and thinly sliced tomatoes. He didn’t even know he had those things in his fridge. I just laughed. Don’t try to play my game, buffoons. Cooking is all I can offer. If you cook better than me, we are not happening.

Note: A simple google search will bring you to this blog. I figured this was the perfect post for the peak of my twenties, also known as: Indian Bio-Data season.

My Late Night Lover

Posted on July 15, 2012 by Tareen

I have a late night disease. Before the sun has the audacity to show its face, I creep into barely open donut shops to meet my lover. There’s a romance there that I can only attempt to understand. Take me very seriously right now. I remember the first time I had one: I was barely 17 years old but there is no age for this kind of connection. It was early and they were fresh. The initial ingress into my mouth summons a gooey euphoria. The ball is so light. The next donut hole soothes my salivating palette. My hollow pits fill with fluffy, ethereal pleasure—transcending all other breakfast beauty. Donut holes are simple but provide evanescent ooze as my lust breaks the fried cloud apart. The honeyed sweetness is like a melody; you don’t know if you ever want it to stop. Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes you just want more instead, just ask Adele.

A bag of a dozen feels empty, as if the darlings were never really there. They weigh enough to hold maybe a napkin down but they heavy my heart like the jubilation of a newborn baby. The glaze brings enough mind and soul through my blood flow to remember that I’m a part of a bigger system. It reminds me that the universe is real. It reminds me that life can tangibly be measured in increments of twelve. The noble Asians tirelessly rise to this majestic, early morning occasion – only they have mastered this donut art. Nothing has ever literally consumed my heart this way before. If you don’t get the donuts at their prime at five in the morning, then what are you doing with your life? They are worth pennies in our vile, material world but their love provides me with a shred of liberation. Donut holes answer my questions; they give me patience. Each warm bite I take engulfs my body with joy and treks through my limbs with might and justice. Their mere existence is the juxtaposition to all that is true of a donut hole. I am indebted to the happiness that donut holes have given me and there’s no trouble believing it.

Why I Don’t Need Millions of Dolla Dolla Bills, Ya’ll

Posted on November 1, 2011 by Tareen

I have become increasingly un-materialistic. I’m hoping I snap out of it because school can be very difficult to go through when you’re not motivated by monetary gain. But if you pointed a paintball gun to my face, threatening to colorfully bruise it if I didn’t spend loads of money, I would the following:

1. I will pay the Kardashians to become irrelevant. If the Mayans are correct, then the world does not need to end while Kim Kardashian is live airing the finalization of her divorce.

2. I eat and cook a lot so perhaps I’d furnish a spectacular kitchen. I would order a heaping carton of caviar to swoosh around in my mouth while I watch movies on my wall sized 3D television. Afterwards, I can walk across my aquarium floor to my beachy backyard because my house is actually on a private island.

3. The hip-hop community dictates that I should make it rain at all times. You have not lived your life until you’ve paid for your gas with flying 10′s while gyrating to T-Pain.

4. I could probably get the writers of LOST to redo their cheap, upsetting Finale. Seriously, they were in purgatory the entire time? AS IF that ending was not predicted after episode 2 in the Loser Lost Fans Club forum. Yeah, I checked!

5. With a million dollars, I would copyright overused phrases and place a premium on their usage.

Fail $1
SMH $The Weight of Your Head In Dollars
Cray $1 for me and $1 for Kanye
It Is What It is $1 is $1
Just Sayin’ Shouldn’t have said anything, $1 please.
Totes $0, my mother told me to never cheat the handicapped.

6. I will run for Presidency. I’m a little pretentious when it comes to valuing non-coastal states so touring across America would be good for me. How do the people of South Dakota feel when no one outside the US (or even inside) knows where they’re from? I can’t even picture people living in Wyoming and Indiana and Illinois are only important in Monopoly. Again, I refuse to do any research on this matter.

7. I will make Google become more considerate of the worlds’ 1%. I searched:

“How to spend more money” Nothing.
“How to spend money like a boss” Nothing.
“How to spend money without f-ing bitches” Nothing.

Thanks to the tags in this post, all those people searching will now find some meaningful answers.

Top 10 Things I’m Looking Forward to in 2011

Posted on January 20, 2011 by Tareen

1. Lady Gaga mistaking all the dead birds and dead fish in the sea as material for her new wardrobe.

2. SEQUELS

The Hungover Pirates of the Deathly Hallows Scream when Harold and Kumar become Paranormal Transformers in route to their Final Destination.

3. General use of Electric Cars.

We’re still really far away from completing our 2011 checklist from the Disney Channel movie, “Xenon” but this puts us one step closer to space and neon clothing.

4. Lindsay Lohan going into a Rehab for Rehabilitation Center Overdoses.

I’m actually really pissed off at her because if she weren’t so careless, society would not have to endure the pain of a mediocre Mean Girls remake. This girl had so much potential.

5. Somehow spending more money on music than food.

A few upcoming albums:

Radiohead- Just when you think there isn’t enough trippiness in this world, Thom Yorke mind f’s again.

Lady Gaga- Apparently this album will be more poetic, with real meaning, depth, and purpose. Whichever way, I’m down to boogie.

The Strokes-…Of genius.

Arctic Monkeys- Music to put some funk and punk into your love machine.

Beyonce- Apparently Mrs. Fierce has a few more alter-egos to manifest.

Santigold- My cause and artist against MIA.

Lil Wayne- Imagine the explosion of wittiness post-prison soon to come.

6. Finding out if the Republican “pundints” will actually allow Sarah Palin to run against Barack Obama for Presidency.

Apparently this is a real question. All you need is one head-to-head debate with these two to settle the race.

7. The Great Oprah Winfrey getting her own network.

Since no one seemed to fill Mother Teresa’s shoes, Oprah Winfrey took it upon herself to save mankind. Her new network will put horoscopes, philosophers, house work, child-rearing, and personal opinions to an end.

(She’s a great woman but I don’t understand her enormous amount of fame. Maybe I’m just a hater.)

8. The creative extent of infomercial products.

Pajamas that look like jeans? I understand the value of laziness and our right as American citizens to preserve it, but infomercial products have made laziness become tacky.

9. Spending another year to teach my little sister common, urban responses.

“Hoochie Mama”- what you call yourself when people compliment your skirts and short dresses

“Oh, you fancy huh”- Its more polite to say this instead of denying a person a favor

“Rain, rain, go away, that’s what all my haters say”-When you cant play outside because its raining.

“I whip my hair”- way cooler than saying you brushed you hair.

“Real talk”- a phrase to say before you lie to someone.

My cover for wisdom was blown after she heard the songs on the radio.

10. China being a Superpower.

LOL I once saw this commercial air on CNN and was in love. Unfortunately, it was banned for being ludicrous.

or is it? Current CNN homepage…

Running Out of Patience, Mr. President.

Posted on November 1, 2010 by Tareen

2 YEARS SHOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH TO FIX:

A health care and education system in downturn
The worst economic crisis since the depression
An environmental crisis that many have yet to acknowledge
A lack of bipartisanship in Congress
Manage a huge financial deficit (inherited from the previous 8 years)

Where’s your magic wand Obama? Do you not have magical powers like the supposed witch, Christine O’Donnell? Why aren’t you as qualified as the charming Sarah Palin? Sometimes I wonder if you’re even a real American because a birth certificate wasn’t enough.

In fact, I feel that you haven’t delivered all the “change” that you have promised. As an American, I don’t have enough patience to wait in a drive thru so what makes you think I’m going to wait for your policies to take positive effect? Like my state representatives, I just wish you would tell me what I want to hear instead of doing what you know is best for our country.

As a smooth speaker, half knowledge, and mildy witty citizen, I feel that I am more qualified to run this nation than you are. I probably know more about the economy, intricacies of taxation, implementing bills, and social welfare than any current politician. Surely I’m informed enough since news coverage has always been impartial or misconstrued anything. I could run this country. Polls never lie: America thinks youre failing. If not me personally, then why not Sarah Palin? She’s JUST like ME: qualified.

Sure, you’re the strongest supporter of the gay community than any other President. Forget the hate crime laws. Put aside the new business regulations to prevent future economic meltdowns. Lets ignore the fact that unlike the previous 7 Presidents, you successfully passed a healthcare reform. I dont know what a socialist is but I know you are one. And clearly you really enjoyed issuing all those bailouts to major corporations.

But still, WHERE IS THE CHANGE? Do you even care about us regular folks? Do you even plan on helping small businesses and restoring our middle class? Doubt it.

At least I know I’m succeeding as an American. I put my own ideological beliefs first. I will fight to keep my tax cuts while expecting our deficit to decrease. I will continuously arouse panic and lead my community with falsified promises.

Tomorrow, on November 2, I will vote. My vote will depend on my level of patience, how much I can relate to the candidate, and which tell me what I want to hear.

I voted for you in 2008 but now I cannot bear to handle the hard truth: recovery takes time.

What we need are:

Policies everyone can agree upon
Quick fix policies
Candidates in office we can relate to, too well.
Continuous questioning of our Senators and Members of Congress every time they attempt to vote according to their logic (likely against our own).
The Government to help us recover from all our personal, financial mistakes
The Government to provide everything without our taxes.

Oh, and the world is probably ending.