Category Archives: People

EX-amples of Why You Shouldn’t Date Me

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1. I’m an Ego Crusher

If you like to be right but usually aren’t, your ego will not last long around me. Especially since I’m so good at being wrong. Its important that we both kind of suck.

During a trivial spat with a guy, one of his responses included, “Maybe you should eat more carrots because you heard me wrong—that’s not even what I said.”

Silence. A grin began to creep up my left cheek, and if you ever see this—you’re done.

Me: “Wait, what do you mean? Like, I should eat more carrots because carrots improve hearing? You meant eye sight, right?”

Dude: “No, carrots are for you ears.”

I typed: “carrots are good for your…” and Google finished with “Eyes”. Discussion over.  The lesson here was not: Don’t Question Tareen—because I’m wrong all the time but am very okay with it. The lesson was apparently: Question Her in Secrecy and Go Home and Research (then maybe return back with anecdotal proof of your triumphant logic). This never happened.

I found this out because I once used the dude’s laptop and the side search bar pulled up previous searches—half of them were related to conversations he and I had.

Search: Are green onions and chives the same thing?

Search: Do girls actually poop?

Search: Does craving chocolate mean you could be dehydrated?

2. No Really, I’m an Ego Crusher

People in general like to be right, no sin here. But what if you are both convinced, without a smidge of doubt, that this debate is your victory?

Preface: Because we both thought we were hot shit, neither this guy nor I would ever admit to having been smitten over the other prior to the relationship. Mind you, we are already in a full on relationship at this point. We were once discussing how we hate searching and adding people on Facebook.

So I said, “Aww, but you took the time to add me.”

Dude: “Hell nah, you added me.” (RE: Hell Nah, I was obviously dating a drug lord)

Me: “I know for sure you added me”

LET ME SPARE YOU THE DETAILS OF THIS NONSENSE that could not be reconciled. This grossly irrelevant argument escalated over the span of weeks because Facebook is so omnipresent. Our egos and dignity started to ride on this debate.

I knew I was right. He “knew” he was right. I decided to succumb to desperate tactics. Fortunately, I have friends who work at Facebook. I had this super kind person – to whom I now owe a favor to—help me settle this petty debate.

Let me also spare you the suspense: duh, he added me. I felt like a total skeezeball but it was sadly worth it.

 3. I Love Your Dad

And when I’m not too busy crushing egos, I like to repeatedly confess my unyielding lust for a male figure in the guy’s life. “Uh-what,” you say? It goes something like this…

“You look really good in that plaid shirt but honestly, nothing compares to how your dad rocks a suit and tie.”

“Are we talking on the phone tonight? No? Fine, I’ll just call up your hot brother then”

Text: Watcha doin?

My reply: Your daddy, in the back seat of a caddy. Don’t be jealous, you bratty.

In the off chance that these jokes would be funny the first time, they were definitely not received well the second or fourteenth time. And of course, the stupid jokes were only plausible up until I would meet the dad or brother. Then the gig was up. Your dad is such a good man! Not freaky at all.

4. I Will Make You Fat

Other than tormenting, I also enjoy cooking. I bet you guys love it when women cook for you. Fancy tacos, seafood stuffed shells, Thai curry, bragging here, chili, and more bragging. Basically anything I like to eat, I make. But guess what homies? I got you fat. All this time you thought I was so precious.

By the end of our relationship, they were always less in shape than when they had met me—and they had not stopped working out or anything. I win you over with your stomach and you lose me over your stomach. Commence maniacal laugh!

 5. You Can’t Use My Moves Against Me

Sequel to story above: Guys love sandwiches. One guy kind of got the roles confused and liked to make me sandwiches. It was pretty cool. Not to worry though, I set him straight.

His sandwiches were simple: toasted bread, condiments, lettuce, deli meat, cheese—you get it. I once offered to make him one and when I handed it to him, he was PISSED. This beauty was a triple decker with pesto, two types of cheese, pan seared meat, and thinly sliced tomatoes. He didn’t even know he had those things in his fridge. I just laughed. Don’t try to play my game, buffoons. Cooking is all I can offer. If you cook better than me, we are not happening.

 ~

Note: A simple google search will bring you to this blog. I figured this was the perfect post for the peak of my twenties, also known as: Indian Bio-Data season.

I Will Marry Your Creeper

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My peers are getting engaged and married. 90% of them are out of straight no where. I didn’t even know half of you had boyfriends. It seems like guys never have girlfriends to begin with so again, no idea what kind of witchcraft you all practice.

What make concerns me, but mostly makes me laugh, is when “creepers” get engaged/married. I remember thinking back in 2009 that no chick would ever date this obsessive weirdo in my class. I’ve seen their tactics yet now there’s a woman wanting to reproduce with them.

“I do” not get it. Here’s something I do get: ladies, whomever we decide to settle down with will have once been some other chicks’ creeper. Every guy is, at some point, gameless and shameless.

Your fiance: He’s intelligent. His family is kind. He makes you laugh every day. He’s getting promoted really soon. He takes you out on thoughtful dates. And oh, he used to whisper disturbing things to this girl in his PoliSci class back in college.

I’m not hating here. In fact, I’ve started to counter creepster behavior with extreme, non-reverse psychology. When a random guy (who knows nothing about what goes on inside your head or has even heard you speak) asks you out, make it real easy on him. Let him find out everything about you in the most maniacal manner.

Example: At the gas station

“WELL SAY GURL, what are youuu doing tonight?”

Normally women will scoff and drive off. New response:

“I’m doing lots of things tonight! But we just met so if you want, you can definitely get my number right this instant. Forget it, let me just call you now so I know you got it so we can FO SHO have each others’ numbers. In case your phone dies at some point in life, add me on Facebook! I wanna see your profile pics! My girlfriends will probably ask for them tonight anyway because I’m going to be talking about how charming this all is. Do you work? Ahh, lets connect on Linkedin. My gas is still pumping so lets follow each other on Twitter. I’m SO motivational on Twitter. It’ll be fun. Oh, you need to go? Well lets take a selfie and instagram it, BOYFRIEND.”

Do not let him get a word in this entire time. Ladies, let’s be creepin’ too. Its 2013 and all about equality now.

Girls’ Night

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I’m still not sure what we really mean when we say GIRLS’ NIGHT! I’ve been “out with the girls”, at “dinner with the girls”, had a “girls night in” and variations of this she-bang. But….why?

Maybe women are all secretly normal but on Girls’ Night, things become strange . There’s always this chick who needs a no-judgment situation to eat chocolate covered strawberries. They’re not even tasty. The flavors fight for your attention in your mouth—it’s sweet disaster.

There’s also a photographer of the group will document every critical event, providing you a play-by-play of the entire night for every social media outlet.

[Picture of the champagne and chocolate strawberries]

[Picture of all the girls toasting with chocolate strawberries in hand]

[Picture of all the girls pouting before they head out to town, oh haaaaay]

While this is going on, two members of this female clan will secretly be feuding over some kind of irreconcilable difference. Most of the night will include accommodating for their self-deprecating needs. THEN, one of the girls will begin the night with an almost rehearsed monologue about the benefits of being single, the overall sense of freedom, and the endless demand of boys she gets to entertain. Near the end of the night, this same girl will mope relentlessly as she has no one to pester via text.

Within this Girls’ Night dynamic also lies the  character who is totally content with her life. She may have a man but the point to remember is that she never needed one. She kind of has some extra squish but ugh, she works it so well. She never broadcasts how delicious her latte was that morning and you’ve only heard rumors that perhaps she enjoys the company of her cat. Listen girls, we hate her for this! During Girls’ Night, every time someone complains, she assures them that everything will work out in the end – the audacity!

Probably the worst kind of Girls’ Night is when its a Bachelorette Party. Every town once boasts a delightful Piano Bar but the tireless raid of women wearing feathers and tiaras suffocate Piano Bars. They request the entire Grease album, emasculating men and depriving other people of their Piano cover to Journeys “Don’t Stop Believin’.” The nerve!

There is also the self-proclaimed Game-Stopper, the anti-christ of a Wingman. Her goal the entire night is to make sure no other member of the Girls’ Night breaks the one rule: No Boys, No Toys. She’ll be all, “Excuse me, I get that you’re a handsome Surgeon but my girl friend isn’t interested in you. We’re having girls’ night.”

And at last, the ~:~Girl Who Loves Her Boyfriend <3 ~:~. It was difficult to convince this girl to come out, she probably hasn’t even had estrogen exposure in months because she’s always so busy with the love of her life. Most of Girls’ Night will be her expressing her unyielding gratitude for such great girl friends and how she really should do this more often. And that’s the last time she ever does Girls’ Night.

“Surprise” Birthday Dinners: Lets Stop Doing This to Each Other

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Picture this nuisance with me: You walk in and the restaurant is filled with an ambient clutter of loud music and chatty hosts, helping you warm up to a sense of fun importance. There are maybe 2 others in your group who came before you. You are number 3 of 15. No one is on time and absolutely everyone is there for someone else. By the time you all sit down, watch the Birthday Person fake a yelp of glee when they walk in, you are famished. The waiter hasn’t even taken the orders yet.

You then engage in surface level conversations about work, school, and significant others. The entire time, you wish you had sat next to that one person you really want to talk to but they’re too busy juggling three conversations themselves. A total of 15 minutes will be spent on everyone asking the other what they’re ordering. That way, you can know what they’re having and order what you were going to order to anyway. Everyone is loud and complicated and the waiter hates you. Two people will decide it’s not a problem to come half way through dinner. The worst part of this whole pretense is that the Birthday Person carries the burden of making significant impact with all 14 of you before the night ends. He or she will wonder why you invited a random group but not their other close friends. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

You will most likely get your food last and yeah, it was over priced. As checks are being paid, there are murmurs of what the rest of the night holds. The acquaintances all have other engagements and the real 5 friends will stick around for the actual birthday celebration.

Surprise Birthday Dinners: why do we do this to each other? Having a dinner for yourself is acceptable. This angle of it being a surprise is like a game of tag: if one person decides to throw one, a chain reaction is started for the next 364 days for everyone and their respective subgroups.

Not sure what a guy’s excuse is but ladies, I like to make an art out of getting ready as much as you do but planning Surprise Birthday Dinners are not the answer. You know what is? Something fun. Let’s be frank: the person in honor really just wants to hang out with their friends. They’re just glad you’re there. So as their friends, to channel all our efforts into finding a date that works for everyone, picking a restaurant that’s quaint and delicious—all while attempting to surprise the Birthday child—is wasted effort.

Why can’t we all skip the dinner pretense and plan something catered to what the person would really enjoy? Go to sports games, improv shows, karaoke bars, food festivals, support local musicians, a play, the arcade, a boat party, fishing, barbeque, set up a beach/lake picnic, a cooking class, pottery, a drive in theatre, or visit an obscure bar or specialty restaurant. Basically, surprise them with anything else.

Let me be super original and say that there’s an assumption about being in your twenties: you’re out to enjoy to life. You want experiences. With that in mind, why are we using our free time to sit at a giant table of 15, at a quazi-fancy restaurant, celebrating our friend reaching another year? Surprise Birthday dinners can be nice at times but it is mostly the strangest thing we have all made a tradition of.

What We Imagine

The Reality

The Mating Game Part II: Beware of the Sirens

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Before you begin to dance away with her on the ocean floor, beware: she may be a Siren. Sirens are bird-like seductresses originating from Greek Mythology, notably in Homer’s The Odyssey. Odysseus and his men were venturing through the treacherous oceans to finally make it home when they ran into the Sirens. Their song is equally sad and sweet—luring sailors into their ultimate death.

You’re a player who’s starting to feel sly and in control. Women are throwing themselves at your sultry, suave demeanor… yeahhh. Unfortunately your complacency will most likely prevent you from filtering women, dooming you to hear song after song from vicious Sirens who have no intent of letting go of their ravenous grip.

Sirens entrap men. They are typically bright, alluring women with a thick layer of charisma to mask the decaying spirit inside. If your relationship consists of cyclical break ups and fictional love then you are probably in a Siren’s empty trance.

A Domestic Siren is the trophy on your mantel. She makes gourmet sandwiches, folds your socks while you watch ESPN after dinner and the dishes are totally cleaning themselves. But all that time at home, all work and no play, turns the Siren straight away. Yes, I advocate milfhood and glorify domestic duties, but without hobbies and interests this Siren will feel caged. Goodbye Domestic and hello Desperate Siren from Wisteria Lane.

The Carnivorous Siren can start off as the beak to your worm. And as delightful as woodpeckers can be, this Siren is more naughty than nice. As psychology would reiterate, the lack of a good father figure, traumatizing first boyfriend experience, or unyielding need for attention will cause her to gnaw your heart away. Carnivorous women are convinced that all men are evil and use it to justify their selfish tendencies. These women first manipulate and then learn to chirp your tune. She lusts you but she lusts herself more. Vultures.

Some women do not have confidence and Flightless Sirens sing this pitiful song. At first, it’s precious, their self-loathing antics and cute failures. However, there is dust gathering on her wings. Life isn’t about finding yourself, but making yourself and if you’re too busy helping her, you’ll both fall. And yikes, it never helps that insecure women are usually boring because they’re too afraid to just be. Flightless Sirens are prone to fling their man-woes on “the universe”, never themselves. They preach cynicism and predict holes in others’ happiness. Keep thy ears covered!

The Migratory Siren is a Player’s female counter-part. Perhaps this is your ideal gal. She’s the right balance of party owl and career chick but in that shuffle, you hardly come up. If you were trying to keep score in the mating game, you will see no victory with her. She’s the only Siren that will want things to end between you two—and that very objective is what keeps you clasped on.

Running into one of these Sirens marks the end of your Playerhood. Women who display Sirenistic qualities (look at me, making up words already) are hopefully in a phase as well. So if you’re wasting your time, at least know what you’re wasting it with.  What’s worse than a woman without standards? A man without standards. Men are supposed to maintain composure so when they’re found at a dark corner wallowing in their female misery, it only fuels the darkness of the pit a Siren wishes you to remain in. No, women don’t like “jerks”, but we’d like to secretly know that you can make a firm decision when necessary.

“Nice guys” don’t finish last, push-overs do.

 

The Mating Game Part 1: The Player Phase

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If you are undeniably old, as in a forty-something loser who has yet to grasp the woo-ing process, then you may find yourself hitting on some poor twenty something who’s just trying to buy kit-kats in the self check out line.

GET A GRIP, old man.

Why does this happen? How do people go through high school and even college unaware of the intricacies behind getting a woman? The advantage that women have is that we never have to pursue anyone unless we really want to–which we never do because it’s too easy to then categorize us as a sluts. Noted.

The woo-ing process is necessary and do not let yourself turn thirty without knowing it. This is for the men without sisters: YOU NEED A PLAYER phase. Guys with sisters do not seem to have any confusion when it comes to understanding the basics of women.

You need that player period where you dream of a different woman every other night and fall in love as a hobby. You need that phase where all you want is women in general. That chapter of enlightenment may be more valuable to you than the years sprung on one girl. The player period will quickly reveal what women are sensitive to. You learn that women interact completely differently with each other than men do with one another. You need to know that periods are not a myth and what impresses fictitious women in movies is not real life. And as a player, you learn how to harden yourself against our bitchy tendencies and adapt to our childish nuances.

You learn that you cannot just start a conversation with “Can I have your number?” Because as funny as that one Mad TV clip is, it is disturbingly true. “Nah I don’t think I’m interested, but thanks!” I plead. I also used to be an honest idiot who would go ahead and admit that I didn’t have a boyfriend and of course the creepiness took a sudden leap towards psychopathy, justifying an arrest warrant. So do I have a boyfriend? Absolutely I have a boyfriend—all year long, in fact.

If you don’t have sisters to become perceptive with, I suggest a player phase for any guy. Wear Ed-Hardy and cause scenes in public places if you must but just do it. You will appreciate real women so much more afterwards because you’ll easily be able to detect them and attain them.

It’s become a carrying joke that this blog thrives on lists so I’m going to avoid spilling the ancient secret known as The Female Woo-ing Process because it’s up to all the players out there to discover it.

The kit-kats were totally worth it.

Hate List Part II

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1. I Hate Olive Garden Commercials

I carb-load for a living but this makes me associate never ending breadsticks to forced family time in a quasi-Italian dining experience. I think I’d rather watch Jersey Shore than swallow the sap-fest displayed in Olive Garden commercials.
Case in point #1: A recent ad about the importance of time with cousins.

Female Cousin: “Whenever the whole family gets together, we always make time for just us cousins. Like the other day at Olive Garden…”
Male Cousin: “Hey Susan, you gotta tell the Aunt Jesse story!”
Gee wiiiiiz, that’s a funny one.

Case in point #2: Mother and Son bonding

You just need to watch this.
So..Dad’s working his tortellini off while Mother and Son go out for dinner? Wow, I guess they really wanted to try Olive Gardens new Chicken and OEIDIPasta!

2. I Hate It When Ugly People Are Mean To Their Not-So Ugly Significant Other.

If you’re ugly, that’s fine because very little can be done to counter it, just know that you have no right to be a rude girl to your boyfriend. And guys, if she’s a walking dime, be nice to her because she really doesn’t have to be with you.

The assumption is that if you’re ugly, you compensate with wit and kindness. No biggie. If you’re beautiful, people will be more likely to accept your rudeness and relate it to your ego. No biggie.

Obviously it’s never okay to treat anyone poorly but if you’re ugly, it’s just sinful.

3. I Hate Witnessing Mismanaged Cheapness

My family owns a restaurant and we were once changing the prices since our costs went up. We took the 6 out of $6.99 and before we could put a 7, some guy tried to pay us .99 for an entrée. It’s totally understandable if you want to pay .99 for a side of fries or a “beef” taco but why would you want to pay .99 for a Goat curry? How did you convince yourself that it would be safe to ingest? This guy walked out UPSET because he couldn’t get an elaborate dish for less than a dollar. Way to go, bro.

You are not doing your wallet or yourself a favor by being cheap where quality matters. Being thrifty is a SKILL and very few can master it. Mismanaged cheapness will ultimately lead you to buy and pay more later on or sacrifice your dignity.

4. I Hate Cave People

I recently met someone from 2009. This girl had somehow managed to avoid the viral impact of social media and remain cliché.  I think its weird when people are somehow unaware of overly broadcasted information that most of us can’t avoid knowing. I still hear rants about how Kanye is so awful, how auto-tune is killing the music industry, oh Sarah Palin doesn’t know where Russia is, Omg Toms are the greatest thing ever, Ugh facebook privacy settings are so horrible, and hey let me show you this cute video where this boy is going home from the dentist and is all whoozy from the meds HaHA lol, lolcats, lmao, lollerskates, LollisterCo…
WTF. How hard did you have to work to avoid the refresh button on your browser?

5. I Hate It When Super Cute Babies Are Murdered And No Explanations Are Sought

Twitter went from being in a frenzy over Casey Anthony to throwing a hissy fit when she was declared Not Guilty. Rest assured, some of the greatest twitter jokes were made today. But seriously, nothing that happens in Florida ever makes sense. Every other day there I read a headline about the most heinous crimes: ballot mix ups, serial killers (real ones, not just from Dexter), tons of senile people with drivers licenses, gruesome deaths with no explanations, and unwarranted hate crimes. FLORIDIANS, check your water supply because there is something infesting it and your minds. Perhaps, tourists.

Hello Little Boys, Little Toys, We’re the Dreams You Wont Believe In

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Whenever I meet a woman who exudes sexiness from every pore, my arms get heavy and my game face is on. I get coy—something that never happens around an attractive man. I’m not a lesbian but I really just appreciate good-looking, interesting women. Sadly, they are seemingly rare.

Whenever I meet a new guy, I am eventually or immediately told that they find me to be a refreshing woman. I try my best to be flattered in these situations because the alternative is a sad realization that most women are shallow and dreary. She may carry that morning after voice with a tango for a walk but homegirl is as exciting as that chair she’s sitting on…a very lucky chair.

Men are a lot more observant than they allow us to perceive and here’s why: if they admit to noticing our subtle habits that indicate our major character flaws, then we would easily upgrade our Masters in Deception to a PhD (this topic is definitely a future blog post).

So what’s considered “refreshing” in women? It’s honestly such simple things that it pains me to have to list them:

  1. Mild interest in political and social issues.
  2. General awareness of current events.
  3. Passions in life (other than shopping and “going out with mah gurls”)
  4. Hobbies: things they do just for themselves.
  5. Not phone cradle in the midst of new company or any friends.
  6. Not assume that any woman better looking than herself is a “whore”.

One of the most despairing realizations this year has been that in any given circumstance, a group of men will be engaged in a more mindful conversation than a group of women. While we cackle away at embarrassing recounts of our day and obsess over how cute we look, guys will be discussing the best way to invest or fuel the need for innovation. People gossip and vent and that’s okay but there should ultimately be substance at the core of every conversation.

I’ve come to fully appreciate my girl friends. They are aspiring, versatile conversationalists, and conscientious of their surroundings. They are all what men would consider, “a catch”.

Even if Venus herself molded the woman’s body, nothing but character can fill it to be desirable. I am in no way alluding that women aren’t pursuing careers or are unintelligent. My claim is that despite their education, women maintain one-dimensional personalities. It’s laziness. It’s weird to be boring in a society that is thriving on the impact of social media and interest-based progress.

Although both men and women can have shallow personalities, women overwhelmingly outweigh men in banality. Be dorky, make jokes, have causes in life, express opinions, listen, speak, have jagged edges in your life and be present.

I’m sure there are secretly many interesting women out there…It would just be really awesome if they made it more evident because right now, things are too easy for the rest of us.

November 1st: Judgment Day. The Day After Halloween

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Like many American twists on old traditions, Halloween is truly….unique? I will probably allow the word “unique” to mean several different things in this post just to avoid the use of other less favorable terms to describe a few “Halloween Costumes”. October 31st is a “Get Out Of Jail Free Card” for our alter egos. It’s glorious.

I love Victoria’s Secret mail: great deals, free stuff, and sexy pictures to accompany it. And then I saw this.

OH, so its not even a secret anymore? Up until this point I thought this kind of display of.. uniqueness during Halloween was supposed to be subtle? You know, “I just think sailors are cute. Wouldn’t it be fun? CUTE right?” …Mhm girl, you’re so right. Well, if its from Victorias Secret, your desire to show off your gym commitment outweighs your need for cuteness. At this point, you’re just trying to be unique. People become aware of our secret fetishes, childhood fantasies, and devilish side being displayed through our costumes. So on November 1, we reflect.

1. The Creative Geek

On October 31st, you’re the cool guy. These costumes tend to be larger, makeshift versions of technological devices, nerdy puzzles, a representation of an idea, or the most elaborate Sci-Fi costume you have ever seen. And sometimes, you just have to stop and ask because the spectacle is just beyond the understanding the mere mortals.

2. The Super Heroes

Why Wonder Woman? She was an equal to the male super heroes, could fly, had amazing hair, a “Lasso of Truth”, and was virtually indestructible. The super hero you choose can reflect your admirations and aspirations. Superheroes allow you to display little to an infinite amount of creativity.

3. The Public Goods and Services

I guess we enjoy the irony in it all because these costumes are always very unique. Cops, Firemen, Politicians, House Maids, Physicians, and Military Personnel…none are left behind. As a law-abiding citizen, I definitely understand this kind of appeal.

4. The I’m-Just-Here-For-The-Candy/“Candy”

After a certain point, it feels silly to dress up—I get it. But if you’re mooching for candy or partying in the name of Halloween, you should make some sort of attempt at a costume. Yeah, there’s always something to make fun of but at least everyone’s having fun with it. Showing up normal is a tad abnormal on October 31st.

5. The Why-So-Serious-Nightmare-On-Your-Street

Halloween is no joke for these people. These displays are sometimes so vivid, so gruesome that I really do have commend these freakshows. Leave it to all the clowns gone wrong, zombies, and horror film heroes to remind us what Halloween was originally all about.

6. The Let-Me-Ruin-Childrens’-Stories-For-You

Every time we uniq-ify another Disney Princess or witness Big Birds true potential, I imagine a sad life without fairy godmothers. Its pitiful and I love it. There is truth in this kind of corruption. This is the kind of magic grownups practice.

7. The Doppleganger

It usually sucks to hear that you look like a “less hot version” (ha) of a celebrity all the time but on October 31st , you market it. Sometimes it just helps to be the same race. Every year I think to be Lady Gaga and then I realize: I’m just not white enough (or ballsy enough).

8. The Group Effort

Always a success until you wander off on your own and look like you decided to just mismatch (Hey so, you’re the 90’s?). Mean Girls, DNA Sequence, a boy band, Adams Family, etc.

9. The Day Time Mafia Leader/Night Time Club Owner

This is the cop out for guys.

“Don’t feel like buying a costume but I look good in a suit?”

“My girlfriend bought me this hideous satin dress shirt”

“Jersey Shore, duh”

10. The Normally I’m Disgusting But Today I’m Extra Disgusting

When tacky is an understatement and there are sadly no consequences.

Halloween is not always a judgment of your character but it is a fun way to display a different side or build on yourself. Sometimes it helps you realize a person’s level of wit, childhood hero, or their unique alter ego that’s not so secret anymore.

Happy Halloween, Buffoons.

To Infinity And Beyond: Generation Alpha

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Generation Alpha

My mother hates it when I refer to myself as an “American” because I am, first and foremost, Bengali. Well, someone has to be American, right? Its no longer “white people” and it never really was. Generations X,Y and Z are differentiated according to pop culture, technology, and mentality- each churning our melting pot a bit more.  Born between the start of the 80′s and the Clinton scandal, I belong in Generation Y. Anyone before Y is either a Baby Boomer, or their child: Generation X.

There isn’t much analytical research on this (not online at least) so the specific cut offs for the generations vary. Its easier to distinguish each of these unique time periods with labels for the varying characteristics and motives.

Generation X 1965-1979

Generation Y 1980-1997

Generation Z 1997-2010

Generation AA 2010-…

Generation X has a subculture rooted against the norm. They caught up on music and even fashion from MTV, knew the importance of higher education, and like my parents, felt America to be the model society. They left home, liberated society, and made progress a major goal.

I feel lucky to have been born in the time frame for Generation Y. Computers shrunk before my eyes, one of the greatest Presidents was involved in a scandal, history was made with the attacks of 9/11, the King of Pop died, our first African American President was elected and social networking became a hobby-this list is beyond extensive. “No Surprises” would best fit this Generation because we have dealt with an intensive amount of change.

The children in our current society are already an intriguing biproduct of America’s melting pot, exponential progression in technology and societal views. Both Generation Y and Z are crucial targets for the media and advertising because they were inherently raised to keep up with the times. Generation Z has a major head start on everything-using technology, making their own social rules, and accepting change. While Generation Y is a part of the main workforce, Generation Z will be graduating high school and discovering the limits to all that we are accustomed to now.

The past decade has included murmurs about the bad side effects of extended cell phone usage, our role in global warming, loss of traditional values and major changes in human communication. Traditional structures of family no longer apply-children born out of wedlock and divorces are becoming alarmingly common. These are all issues we face but what does it mean for Generation A, my offspring?

Generation A will be born accepting the desire for the highest formal education- attending college will probably be required for any profession. Technology will likely have a base in everyday functions. The internet paired with smartphones have already facilitated getting directions, mass spread of knowledge to even picking a place for lunch. I read and know everything just on Twitter at least minutes before it airs on any news channel. The constant need to keep up, progress further, and establish a mark will be the greatest and toughest aspect of Generation A. It’s a little daunting to think that social networking, smaller families, text etiquette, etc. will passage into a life style rather than mere choice.

Of course, these are only my predictions. As a Bengali-American, I feel like I’m a part of the experiment group. I juggle two cultures, languages-all in the midst of practicing a faith in a society that is based on constant change. Different cultures and backgrounds are still fascinating in America but will they be once the cultures Generation Z and A, B, etc. are only defined as American? Perhaps Generation A will grow weary of the race to the future and strive to head back to their roots. Maybe my children will be more curious about their ancestral roots and opt out of a semi-real society based on the Internet. Maybe the Kindle will seem like a joke to them and paperback books will once again be cherished. Generation A may become economically savvy to contrast its parent, Generation Y, who has spent more in a time of recession than any other. I personally feel that there will be a great backlash against our current culture into a focus on simpler goals and traditional values. Ideally, Generation A will reignite a movement similar to the renaissance and take more political initiative- finally putting original definition to “American”.

Generation A will be a pivotal outcome of all that we have placed importance on today. They have no option but to be pioneers for greater social, cultural, and technological changes. And with our greater life expectancy, we should all be alive to see it.