Things People Wrote in My High School Yearbooks

Posted on May 16, 2013 by Tareen

I suggest that everyone skims a few pages of their own yearbooks no matter where you’re currently at or still at in your lives. Most of the time, we enjoy all the changes. After revisiting my yearbooks after many years, I actually took pleasure in all that hasn’t changed: the silly friends who accepted me and the clarity found in simple, scribbled messages. Once again, it’s time to wear the black gown across the stage for college. The past 8-9 years were incredible and I’m surprisingly in touch with a lot of these characters below.

Years 2004-2008

1. “You know you want to be a part of the homo club”

2. “Tareeny!! Okay so you are still definitely a B but you are prob. one of the coolest girls in this school. You’re “okay” looking…lol. but I love you”

The other douchey, okay looking, Indian male at the school wrote this.

3. “Dear Mean Queen Tareen, there is nothing to say that hasn’t already been said. It has come to be that sadness and happiness, our words and thoughts seem to pass between us though we do not say them. We are stoic, usually. The more we say to each other, the less we understand. So HAVE A REALLY GOOD TIME WITH WHATEVER THE HELL YOU DO WITH THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.”

Get a grip, you’re only 14 years old. This guy was the closest thing to a brother to me throughout middle school and high school. Now I have to say he’s like a sister to me due to some events that TRANSpired.

4. “You are my favorite Indian dish”

5. “I think you’re filthy amazing. You’re probably cool enough to have my kids. Breathtakingly beautiful too”

6.”To be honest, I think you’re an 8″

7. “If you ever become a MILF, call me”

Lots of horny dudes in 10th grade.

8. “A una estudiante muy especial. Ha sido un placer tenerte en mi clase este ano. Espero lo mejor para el futuro.

Si, seniorita. Hola. Burrito.

9. “You are strange”

10. “Oh and if you ever become a doctor, let me know and I’ll come play sick ; )”

Why Kenny? Is it because I’m Indian? I ended up doing accounting, you dweeb. Let me help you allocate your ASSets ; ) ; )

11. “TAREEN. LEADER OF THE ASIANS.”

12. “E=mc^2”

Gregg = virginity

13. “T-to the –REN. Hit me up”

14. “You gotta follow my footsteps”

I’m about 9 months behind on growing an infant inside of me. I’ll start immediately.

15. “BITCH – Be In Touch Cool Homie”

At least all of my friends had enough dignity to never write HAGS

16. “I always loved to look back and see your facial expressions. You always seemed to show empathy in my class. You were my favorite”

SUCK ON THAT, first period psychology class.

17. “I’m pretty much in love with you gurly <3 ”

She pretty much turned out to be a CRAY

18. “Remember my smell 4 ever!!”

I let this dude marry one of my middle school friends.

19. “That trunk ride from the funeral home was so entertaining”

20. “I brought out the crazy side in you”

Megan, lets further discuss what all you’re willing to take blame for. Message me.

21. “Math was fun”

22. “It was nice getting to know the hottest Muslim in class LOL”

23. “Your Jay Leno chin still cracks me up”

24. “Was up PIMPIN”

What a dude says to you after he realizes that maybe you’ll never crush on him back

25. “Stay fresh, we’re fruits”

No drugs were involved in this yearbook entry. Kevin, I hope you kept your pledge to remain drug free! You never needed it. Flower power.

26. “I had fun, you’re really nice. It was nice sitting next to you”

WAS IT BEN? Was I so fun to sit next to because I’m so nice because I’m so fun all because I’m nice?

27. “Thanks for all your help with the chick. Though it definitely did not work out. We are hanging out over da summmmmer!”

Not to worry Daniel, I have carried on this tradition of issuing failing romance advice

28. “I think of you every time I go to the supermarket and walk by the wasabi peas. Well, I cant see right now because butterball turned off the lights :/ good luck with college!”

29. “You are not complicated, I get you.”

30. “I think you made a wonderful savage woman in AP English”

EX-amples of Why You Shouldn’t Date Me

Posted on April 29, 2013 by Tareen

1. I’m an Ego Crusher

If you like to be right but usually aren’t, your ego will not last long around me. Especially since I’m so good at being wrong. Its important that we both kind of suck.

During a trivial spat with a guy, one of his responses included, “Maybe you should eat more carrots because you heard me wrong—that’s not even what I said.”

Silence. A grin began to creep up my left cheek, and if you ever see this—you’re done.

Me: “Wait, what do you mean? Like, I should eat more carrots because carrots improve hearing? You meant eye sight, right?”

Dude: “No, carrots are for you ears.”

I typed: “carrots are good for your…” and Google finished with “Eyes”. Discussion over. The lesson here was not: Don’t Question Tareen—because I’m wrong all the time but am very okay with it. The lesson was apparently: Question Her in Secrecy and Go Home and Research (then maybe return back with anecdotal proof of your triumphant logic). This never happened.

I found this out because I once used the dude’s laptop and the side search bar pulled up previous searches—half of them were related to conversations he and I had.

Search: Are green onions and chives the same thing?

Search: Do girls actually poop?

Search: Does craving chocolate mean you could be dehydrated?

2. No Really, I’m an Ego Crusher

People in general like to be right, no sin here. But what if you are both convinced, without a smidge of doubt, that this debate is your victory?

Preface: Because we both thought we were hot shit, neither this guy nor I would ever admit to having been smitten over the other prior to the relationship. Mind you, we are already in a full on relationship at this point. We were once discussing how we hate searching and adding people on Facebook.

So I said, “Aww, but you took the time to add me.”

Dude: “Hell nah, you added me.” (RE: Hell Nah, I was obviously dating a drug lord)

Me: “I know for sure you added me”

LET ME SPARE YOU THE DETAILS OF THIS NONSENSE that could not be reconciled. This grossly irrelevant argument escalated over the span of weeks because Facebook is so omnipresent. Our egos and dignity started to ride on this debate.

I knew I was right. He “knew” he was right. I decided to succumb to desperate tactics. Fortunately, I have friends who work at Facebook. I had this super kind person – to whom I now owe a favor to—help me settle this petty debate.

Let me also spare you the suspense: duh, he added me. I felt like a total skeezeball but it was sadly worth it.

3. I Love Your Dad

And when I’m not too busy crushing egos, I like to repeatedly confess my unyielding lust for a male figure in the guy’s life. “Uh-what,” you say? It goes something like this…

“You look really good in that plaid shirt but honestly, nothing compares to how your dad rocks a suit and tie.”

“Are we talking on the phone tonight? No? Fine, I’ll just call up your hot brother then”

Text: Watcha doin?

My reply: Your daddy, in the back seat of a caddy. Don’t be jealous, you bratty.

In the off chance that these jokes would be funny the first time, they were definitely not received well the second or fourteenth time. And of course, the stupid jokes were only plausible up until I would meet the dad or brother. Then the gig was up. Your dad is such a good man! Not freaky at all.

4. I Will Make You Fat

Other than tormenting, I also enjoy cooking. I bet you guys love it when women cook for you. Fancy tacos, seafood stuffed shells, Thai curry, bragging here, chili, and more bragging. Basically anything I like to eat, I make. But guess what homies? I got you fat. All this time you thought I was so precious.

By the end of our relationship, they were always less in shape than when they had met me—and they had not stopped working out or anything. I win you over with your stomach and you lose me over your stomach. Commence maniacal laugh!

5. You Can’t Use My Moves Against Me

Sequel to story above: Guys love sandwiches. One guy kind of got the roles confused and liked to make me sandwiches. It was pretty cool. Not to worry though, I set him straight.

His sandwiches were simple: toasted bread, condiments, lettuce, deli meat, cheese—you get it. I once offered to make him one and when I handed it to him, he was PISSED. This beauty was a triple decker with pesto, two types of cheese, pan seared meat, and thinly sliced tomatoes. He didn’t even know he had those things in his fridge. I just laughed. Don’t try to play my game, buffoons. Cooking is all I can offer. If you cook better than me, we are not happening.

Note: A simple google search will bring you to this blog. I figured this was the perfect post for the peak of my twenties, also known as: Indian Bio-Data season.

2004 Was the Greatest Year for Music of All Time

Posted on December 9, 2012 by Tareen

You can try to argue with me on this one but 2004 was THE GREATEST year for all kinds of music. Just think about how old you were and where you were then before you check the list. I was in 8th grade and I would rush home after school everyday to catch MTV’s Total Request Live because each day seemed that sensational. So, after 2 hours of scouring through Wikipedia to check song release dates and prancing around in nostaligia, my friend and I finished compiling this list. Most of these artists had multiple chart-toppers but I tried to avoid repeating them. Each of these are exclusively great, hilarious, and equally a classic. I’m not vouching for all of these artists but they definitely made a societal impact with these songs:

Yeah! –Usher ft. Lil Jon and Ludacris
She Likes to Move – NERD
All Falls Down – Kanye West
The Reason –Hoobastank
Hey Ya! – Outkast
Lean Back –Terror Squad
Float On –Modest Mouse
Tipsy – J-Kwon
Goodies – Ciara
Work It – Missy Elliot
American Idiot –Green Day
Freek-a-Leek –Petey Pablo ft. Lil Jon
My Immortal –Evanescence
Dirt Off Your Shoulder –Jay Z
Take Me Out – Franz Ferdinand
Overnight Celebrity –Twista
Since U Been Gone –Kelly Clarkson
Hotel –Cassidy feat. R Kelly
Numb –Linkin Park
She Will Be Loved – Maroon 5
Karma – Alicia Keys
Pieces – Sum 41
Get Low – Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz ft. Ying Yang Twins
Drop It Like Its Hot – Snoop Dogg ft. Pharrell
Are You Gonna Be My Girl – Jet
Where is the Love? – Black Eyed Peas
Just Lose It – Eminem
Breathe Me – Sia
Leave (Get Out) – JoJo
Toxic – Britney Spears
Come Clean – Hilary Duff
Milkshake –Kelis
White Flag – Dido
On Fire – Lloyed Banks
Miss You – Blink 182
Holidae Inn – Chingy ft. Ludacris & Snoop Dogg
Rumors – Lindsay Lohan
I Believe in a Thing Called Love – The Darkness
Culo – Pitbull Ft. Sean Paul
Smile – Lilly Allen
Gasolina – Daddy Yankee
Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani
Wait (Whisper Song) – Ying Yang Twins
Vertigo – U2
I Don’t Want You Back – Eamon
Slow Motion –Juvenile
Somewhere Only We Know –Keane
My Happy Ending –Avril Lavigne
Ch-Check It Out –Beastie Boys

No, I wont shut up. That all happened in 2004.

Why I Don’t Need Millions of Dolla Dolla Bills, Ya’ll

Posted on November 1, 2011 by Tareen

I have become increasingly un-materialistic. I’m hoping I snap out of it because school can be very difficult to go through when you’re not motivated by monetary gain. But if you pointed a paintball gun to my face, threatening to colorfully bruise it if I didn’t spend loads of money, I would the following:

1. I will pay the Kardashians to become irrelevant. If the Mayans are correct, then the world does not need to end while Kim Kardashian is live airing the finalization of her divorce.

2. I eat and cook a lot so perhaps I’d furnish a spectacular kitchen. I would order a heaping carton of caviar to swoosh around in my mouth while I watch movies on my wall sized 3D television. Afterwards, I can walk across my aquarium floor to my beachy backyard because my house is actually on a private island.

3. The hip-hop community dictates that I should make it rain at all times. You have not lived your life until you’ve paid for your gas with flying 10′s while gyrating to T-Pain.

4. I could probably get the writers of LOST to redo their cheap, upsetting Finale. Seriously, they were in purgatory the entire time? AS IF that ending was not predicted after episode 2 in the Loser Lost Fans Club forum. Yeah, I checked!

5. With a million dollars, I would copyright overused phrases and place a premium on their usage.

Fail $1
SMH $The Weight of Your Head In Dollars
Cray $1 for me and $1 for Kanye
It Is What It is $1 is $1
Just Sayin’ Shouldn’t have said anything, $1 please.
Totes $0, my mother told me to never cheat the handicapped.

6. I will run for Presidency. I’m a little pretentious when it comes to valuing non-coastal states so touring across America would be good for me. How do the people of South Dakota feel when no one outside the US (or even inside) knows where they’re from? I can’t even picture people living in Wyoming and Indiana and Illinois are only important in Monopoly. Again, I refuse to do any research on this matter.

7. I will make Google become more considerate of the worlds’ 1%. I searched:

“How to spend more money” Nothing.
“How to spend money like a boss” Nothing.
“How to spend money without f-ing bitches” Nothing.

Thanks to the tags in this post, all those people searching will now find some meaningful answers.

I Do Brunch

Posted on October 17, 2011 by Tareen

If I’m going around town breakfasting with you, consider yourself important. I get up in the morning and think to myself “I love this person so much that I will sacrifice sleep and the comfort of my memory foam to haphazardly make jokes over coffee and eggs”. But the same way I consider breakfast a major event on my mental calendar, I hype up super late night tomfoolery. It’s only possible because it’s rare.

So at 11:35 am I’m standing in line to pay for my drink and gasoline. My first ethical dilemma stems from what’s socially acceptable to drink at this time. If I’m a morning person, I grab juice. If I’m a sleeper-inner, I grab a coffee. I decide that I’m not ready to make a crucial decision at this point in my life. Mmm, water.

Behind me I have a man who is screaming, “MY DAY HAS ALREADY BEEN 4 HOURS LONG AND I LOVE IT”. Chill dude, no need to remind me of everything I will never be. Actually, he said none of that. I just inferred from the sunshine rays beaming from his face. Behind him is a Sleeper-Inner. Yuck lady, we all know you hate life right now considering the wrinkles on your “business casual” ensemble paired with Crocs.

I cannot wake up before 10 am like Morning Dude, but life is definitely not long enough to start at noon like Sleeping Beauty. Second dilemma: are people who wake up between the delicate but refined hours of 10 am and 12 pm worthless?

No, we’re quality people. We’re the moderates in life. We’re shnazzy but not spazzy. We kind of skip the most important meal of the day but not really because it still happens. And as it turns out, the world loves us.

1. Most restaurants don’t bother opening till 11 am.

2. Traffic ends before we wake up and starts back up after we arrive at whatever our 1pm destination is.

3. Brunch includes the best of breakfast and the sizzle of lunch.

4. Excuses are endless when you don’t want to hang out with either extreme.

To: Crazy, Uptight Morning Person

“Oh my gosh, 6 am yoga sounds absolutely riveting but I’ve scheduled a REM coma at that time.”

To: Lax, Sloppy, Sleeper-Inner:

“Whoa that party that starts at 1 am seems life changing but I unfortunately have to get my career on the next day.”

And finally,

5. Nothing in life can be excluded.

The most important business meetings take place during our peak hours of 10 am and 3 pm. Those 8 am meetings only pretend to be important because people had to buy donuts for them. Brunch makes gluttony classy. Brunch provides conversational segues from Nietzsche’s philosophies to the parallel between global decay and Lindsay Lohan’s teeth.

As a Brunch person, you can function at an Electro-Concert one night and still produce pseudo-intellectual comments in class the next day (which you ingeniously scheduled for 1 pm).

Modern, Classic Pop Songs I Hope I Never Relate To

Posted on September 6, 2011 by Tareen

1. Britney Spears ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’ (1999)

Go Ahead And Click Here Since You’re Pretending To Not Remember The Lyrics

If ‘my loneliness was ever killing me’ then you better believe I would turn into a rampant whore. Spears roams through the halls sulking, begging her boy toy for another chance so he can show her how ‘he wants it to be’. She knows she’s ‘BLIGHN-ded’ but ‘there’s nothing she wouldn’t do’…the reason she ‘breathes is you’. Eeeeeek, get it together, girl. Play MASH to find out if he’s really The One.

2. Justin Timberlake ‘Cry Me A River’ (2002)

Britney Is Actually In This Video Too

The heartache in this song is so fierce that Justin needed heavy rainfall and Gregorian monks to echo his sorrow. His first mistake was making a rising pop star his “sun” and “earth”. She didn’t cheat on him with just one guy, ‘NOooOoo….DON’T ACT LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW IT!’ Her river of apologetic tears weren’t enough so Justin broke into her house with (his bro before his hoe) Timbaland to stalk and torment. I hope I’m never the cheater or the cheatee because really, who ever looks good in a pool of sorry tears?

3. The Cardigans ‘Lovefool’ (1997)

Forgot How Awesome 90′s Music Videos Were

‘Love me, lovvee me’ should never be an actual sentence in any language.“Pretend that you love me. Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me,” is sung so whimsically that you almost forget that this is a desperate plea from a delusional ex. Anyone that can manage to relate to this song in its entirety is hopeless.

4. Cher ‘Believe’ (1998)

I Believed Before I Beliebed

At first listen, you want to relate to this songs strong will undertones and a central theme of moving on. This may be my bias against Cher’s vocal identity crisis but I really feel that ultimately, the message is more bitter than hopeful. The whole, “no, I don’t need you anymore” and the continuous mull over “do you believe in life after love” has me left feeling hollow. The question is never answered but I’m going to assume that Cher found life after love happily ever after.

5. Taylor Swift ‘You Belong With Me’ (2009)

Dont Mess With T Sweezy, Yeezy

I can’t deny that this song is precious. However, we cannot forget to grasp the severity of a lunatic with a guitar—convinced that she should have your boyfriend. How exactly does Swift know what this boy is fighting over ‘on the phone with his girlfriend’? “She’ll never know your story like I do,” what story? Rule of Thumb: Do not tell stalkerish neighbors your life story because she may try to kill your girl friend behind the bleachers after cheer practice. Taylor, because I love you, I’m going to pretend that this song is hypothetical and not a page out of your diary like the rest of your songs.

6. Maroon 5 ‘She Will Be Loved’ (2004)

The Girl With The Broken Smile Tattoo

Has there been a standing ovation for all those foolish shmucks waiting on their girl best friend to fall in love with them? Despite her ‘always belonging to someone else’, he drives for ‘miles and miles just to wind up at her door’. And does he even ‘mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain’? Hell no he doesn’t. In fact, he spends all that time wondering if she’ll ever properly be loved—since it apparently cannot be him. Um, is there no justice left in this world? Why can’t it ‘always be rainbows and butterflies’? Dear ‘Girl With The Broken Smile’, that poor guy is starting to get pruny.

7. Spice Girls ‘Wannabe’ (1997)

Scary Spice Decided To Go Full Feminist With Her Tank Top

Does this song know how to get old? Whatever this “zigazig-ahhh” is, is keeping you from your woman so ‘forget her past’, ‘you gotta make it fast’ and ‘if you really wanna be her lover’ well, you ‘gotta get with her friends.’ This relationship deal is a snag! You don’t deal with her pasts’ baggage. Since its fast, it’s easily hittable and quittable. And if you want to later upgrade to ‘Friends With Benefits’ then you must also agree to “Friends and Friends with Benefits.” Can anyone complain? Actually yes, because the song isn’t over it yet.

Your Nights’ Itinerary If You Agree To The Terms of The Song:

“You got M in the place you who likes it in your face.”… Urrh, alright he may be down.
“You got G like MC who likes it on a easy V, doesn’t come for free, she’s a real lady.” …Okay, negotiable.
“And as for me, ahh you’ll see….” …Nope, zero surprise tolerance. Her V might turn out to be a D that you really don’t want inside your Mel B.

Hate List Part II

Posted on July 5, 2011 by Tareen

1. I Hate Olive Garden Commercials

I carb-load for a living but this makes me associate never ending breadsticks to forced family time in a quasi-Italian dining experience. I think I’d rather watch Jersey Shore than swallow the sap-fest displayed in Olive Garden commercials.
Case in point #1: A recent ad about the importance of time with cousins.

Female Cousin: “Whenever the whole family gets together, we always make time for just us cousins. Like the other day at Olive Garden…”
Male Cousin: “Hey Susan, you gotta tell the Aunt Jesse story!”
Gee wiiiiiz, that’s a funny one.

Case in point #2: Mother and Son bonding

You just need to watch this.
So..Dad’s working his tortellini off while Mother and Son go out for dinner? Wow, I guess they really wanted to try Olive Gardens new Chicken and OEIDIPasta!

2. I Hate It When Ugly People Are Mean To Their Not-So Ugly Significant Other.

If you’re ugly, that’s fine because very little can be done to counter it, just know that you have no right to be a rude girl to your boyfriend. And guys, if she’s a walking dime, be nice to her because she really doesn’t have to be with you.

The assumption is that if you’re ugly, you compensate with wit and kindness. No biggie. If you’re beautiful, people will be more likely to accept your rudeness and relate it to your ego. No biggie.

Obviously it’s never okay to treat anyone poorly but if you’re ugly, it’s just sinful.

3. I Hate Witnessing Mismanaged Cheapness

My family owns a restaurant and we were once changing the prices since our costs went up. We took the 6 out of $6.99 and before we could put a 7, some guy tried to pay us .99 for an entrée. It’s totally understandable if you want to pay .99 for a side of fries or a “beef” taco but why would you want to pay .99 for a Goat curry? How did you convince yourself that it would be safe to ingest? This guy walked out UPSET because he couldn’t get an elaborate dish for less than a dollar. Way to go, bro.

You are not doing your wallet or yourself a favor by being cheap where quality matters. Being thrifty is a SKILL and very few can master it. Mismanaged cheapness will ultimately lead you to buy and pay more later on or sacrifice your dignity.

4. I Hate Cave People

I recently met someone from 2009. This girl had somehow managed to avoid the viral impact of social media and remain cliché. I think its weird when people are somehow unaware of overly broadcasted information that most of us can’t avoid knowing. I still hear rants about how Kanye is so awful, how auto-tune is killing the music industry, oh Sarah Palin doesn’t know where Russia is, Omg Toms are the greatest thing ever, Ugh facebook privacy settings are so horrible, and hey let me show you this cute video where this boy is going home from the dentist and is all whoozy from the meds HaHA lol, lolcats, lmao, lollerskates, LollisterCo…
WTF. How hard did you have to work to avoid the refresh button on your browser?

5. I Hate It When Super Cute Babies Are Murdered And No Explanations Are Sought

Twitter went from being in a frenzy over Casey Anthony to throwing a hissy fit when she was declared Not Guilty. Rest assured, some of the greatest twitter jokes were made today. But seriously, nothing that happens in Florida ever makes sense. Every other day there I read a headline about the most heinous crimes: ballot mix ups, serial killers (real ones, not just from Dexter), tons of senile people with drivers licenses, gruesome deaths with no explanations, and unwarranted hate crimes. FLORIDIANS, check your water supply because there is something infesting it and your minds. Perhaps, tourists.

Revolutionary Marketing 2011

Posted on March 29, 2011 by Tareen

There are very few people or establishments without a social media presence now. Facebook has become our virtual passport, allowing us to “like” everywhere we go online. In less than 3 clicks on my phone, I can immediately spread an article I like from twitter to 15-20 immediate viewers. But this isn’t about how amazing social media, its about how clever marketers found a way to re-revolutionize the impact of it all.

Marketing breakthroughs have been so frequent the past year that the excitement of it all is usually fleeting. Despite the current lack of shock value of social media, these recent marketing techniques have left me baffled.

1. Justin Bieber “Never Say Never” 3D (Theaters/3D Appeal)

I hate Justin Bieber fantatics. Some lady hates those fanatics too and decided the best way to contain her rage is by stealing their money. In an elaborate, money making scheme, she put together a montage of 3 home videos, 2-3 viral youtube videos, footage of concerts, a couple of 3 sentence interviews, and a collection of the freaks themselves screaming on camera. The collection of clips were put in chronological order, made “3D” and then advertised it as an “Experience to his world in 3D”. What most would consider a documentary, suddenly became an “experience” worth $11-18 in a theater near you.

The only difference between “Never Say Never” and MTV Behind the Scene is a slight 3D effect. It was brilliant. Give loyal fans what they want and they’ll pay for it—a simple act with profound effects.

Never Say Never to teenage freaks.

2. Rebecca Black (Youtube)

The Bieber movement consequently inspired two parents to invest in their bathroom voice prodigy daughter, Rebecca. After $2000+ spent on hiring a professional recording group, youtube recognition, and I’m guessing a whopping $1.59 to some lyricist, Rebecca Black launched a video that received more notoriety than anything else I’ve lived to see.

I will confess, I never made it past the first 30 seconds of the video but I have endured countless renditions and parodies of the music video. The brilliance of the song “Friday” is not the actual video but how Ark Music Factory (the recording agency) specifically caters to wealthy parents with untalented children. I say this because Rebecca Black is not the first of her kind; there are others just as worse. Ark Music Factory provides false hope, a camera, and auto-tune in exchange for a couple grand to aspiring pop stars.

Sign me up.

Ruin your Fridays forever

3. Smart Water (Youtube)

It must have been frustrating for marketing agencies to see effortless youtube videos gain the attention of millions and media notoriety while their own strategies were reduced to standard commercializing. However, a concession was made when Jennifer Aniston pastiched a medley of previously viral youtube videos for a Smart Water campaign. With over 8 million hits, the self-proclaimed “viral” video did justice to its name.

The whole concept behind bottled water is already scheming, but after gathering direct attention with immediate responses and millions of viewers for FREE, it is now innovative. No, Smart.

Jennifer Anistons Sex Tape

4. Charlie Sheen (Radio/Television/Twitter)

I know, this guy is overexposed but I really love it when celebrities capitalize on their mishaps and tragedies. Why wouldn’t you? Postmodernism has taught celebrities one valuable lesson: either you hide and lose the limelight forever OR you accept your faults, gain attention from all media outlets and then you secure your fame by capitalizing on it.

After being exposed for abusing his wife, using an undisclosed amount of drugs, having porn stars as best friends, Charlie Sheen went on a series of rampant interviews at radio stations and talk shows. His attempts at self-defense were minimal and outweighed by hilarious remarks—manifesting irreversible insanity. For a solid 2 days, Charlie Sheen ruled all forms of media. Sheen soon became an active tweeter, helping him unofficially coin terms like #tigerblood and #turd. With all this, Sheen saw fit to launch a series of “shows” around the US. This is a marketing #win.

Tiger Woods, talk to Sheen, you were never as bad as him.

twitter.com/CHARLIESHEEN

Top 10 Things I’m Looking Forward to in 2011

Posted on January 20, 2011 by Tareen

1. Lady Gaga mistaking all the dead birds and dead fish in the sea as material for her new wardrobe.

2. SEQUELS

The Hungover Pirates of the Deathly Hallows Scream when Harold and Kumar become Paranormal Transformers in route to their Final Destination.

3. General use of Electric Cars.

We’re still really far away from completing our 2011 checklist from the Disney Channel movie, “Xenon” but this puts us one step closer to space and neon clothing.

4. Lindsay Lohan going into a Rehab for Rehabilitation Center Overdoses.

I’m actually really pissed off at her because if she weren’t so careless, society would not have to endure the pain of a mediocre Mean Girls remake. This girl had so much potential.

5. Somehow spending more money on music than food.

A few upcoming albums:

Radiohead- Just when you think there isn’t enough trippiness in this world, Thom Yorke mind f’s again.

Lady Gaga- Apparently this album will be more poetic, with real meaning, depth, and purpose. Whichever way, I’m down to boogie.

The Strokes-…Of genius.

Arctic Monkeys- Music to put some funk and punk into your love machine.

Beyonce- Apparently Mrs. Fierce has a few more alter-egos to manifest.

Santigold- My cause and artist against MIA.

Lil Wayne- Imagine the explosion of wittiness post-prison soon to come.

6. Finding out if the Republican “pundints” will actually allow Sarah Palin to run against Barack Obama for Presidency.

Apparently this is a real question. All you need is one head-to-head debate with these two to settle the race.

7. The Great Oprah Winfrey getting her own network.

Since no one seemed to fill Mother Teresa’s shoes, Oprah Winfrey took it upon herself to save mankind. Her new network will put horoscopes, philosophers, house work, child-rearing, and personal opinions to an end.

(She’s a great woman but I don’t understand her enormous amount of fame. Maybe I’m just a hater.)

8. The creative extent of infomercial products.

Pajamas that look like jeans? I understand the value of laziness and our right as American citizens to preserve it, but infomercial products have made laziness become tacky.

9. Spending another year to teach my little sister common, urban responses.

“Hoochie Mama”- what you call yourself when people compliment your skirts and short dresses

“Oh, you fancy huh”- Its more polite to say this instead of denying a person a favor

“Rain, rain, go away, that’s what all my haters say”-When you cant play outside because its raining.

“I whip my hair”- way cooler than saying you brushed you hair.

“Real talk”- a phrase to say before you lie to someone.

My cover for wisdom was blown after she heard the songs on the radio.

10. China being a Superpower.

LOL I once saw this commercial air on CNN and was in love. Unfortunately, it was banned for being ludicrous.

or is it? Current CNN homepage…

Think Inside the Box

Posted on December 28, 2010 by Tareen

Don’t let it piss you off when you realize how easy it actually is to be happy in life. Around this time last year, I made one simple decision: make no resolutions.

When you’re losing your mind, stressed about anything or everything, ask yourself: “Does it really even have to be this way?”

Most of us already have everything we need to lead a happy, stress free life. Before modern society, stress was good—necessary for basic survival instincts. Now, life has just become a list of demands and goals. Every time I sacrifice living life to study I ask, “Is this worth it?” I want to know the exact date in ancient history where civilization decided that life was about wanting more. To clarify, I love innovation. I would be saddened by any disruption to progress. However, happiness should not be the price we pay for change. We complicate life on our own. I also admire ambition but again, you have to consider its actual cost. If you spend a quarter of your life searching for your dream, the next half of your life achieving it, what was the point in the end?

Thinking and living inside the box is so underrated. Not once this past year did I feel “unhappy”. I accepted life. You don’t have to continuously feel grateful for your life to be happy either. Just know that achieving your ambitions is outside the box—not a matter to stress over. Unburden yourself to be happy.

1. Redefine “goals”

This year has been so cathartic because I finally stopped making rules. How “outside of the box” is it to know exactly where you’re headed all the time? If you don’t let your goals limit you, then you’ll probably end up achieving something everyday. Just do things that you’ll be happy about—it’s that simple.

Loopy?

2. Don’t bother having a personal “To-Do” list past #3 (or have a list at all).

Try to think of the last time you finished the first 3 things on your list and made it onto #4…Must have been a great day but no one can do that everyday. I used to create my own stress and disappointment by starting my day off with false expectations. As the days of feeling useless-ness piled up, the more daunting this list became. Everyday began with guilt from the previous days’ of un-accomplishment. I just got rid of it one day; I started living that day.

3. Stop Being Busy

This takes a lot of mental deconstruction. Do what’s truly important. Do less. Before you worry over what was pushed aside in the process, realize that it probably had no affect on anything. Think before you make commitments.Stop being busy and be still. The less you move the easier it will be to direct yourself to what’s necessary.

Very little in life demands risk so why isn’t everyone happy? Begin to accept that happiness doesn’t have to be an abstract concept or goal. Its difficult and ironically against our nature to live inside the box.

I have enjoyed every minute of the last 365 days. Forget making resolutions this year; just start living.