Things People Wrote in My High School Yearbooks

Posted on May 16, 2013 by Tareen

I suggest that everyone skims a few pages of their own yearbooks no matter where you’re currently at or still at in your lives. Most of the time, we enjoy all the changes. After revisiting my yearbooks after many years, I actually took pleasure in all that hasn’t changed: the silly friends who accepted me and the clarity found in simple, scribbled messages. Once again, it’s time to wear the black gown across the stage for college. The past 8-9 years were incredible and I’m surprisingly in touch with a lot of these characters below.

Years 2004-2008

1. “You know you want to be a part of the homo club”

2. “Tareeny!! Okay so you are still definitely a B but you are prob. one of the coolest girls in this school. You’re “okay” looking…lol. but I love you”

The other douchey, okay looking, Indian male at the school wrote this.

3. “Dear Mean Queen Tareen, there is nothing to say that hasn’t already been said. It has come to be that sadness and happiness, our words and thoughts seem to pass between us though we do not say them. We are stoic, usually. The more we say to each other, the less we understand. So HAVE A REALLY GOOD TIME WITH WHATEVER THE HELL YOU DO WITH THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.”

Get a grip, you’re only 14 years old. This guy was the closest thing to a brother to me throughout middle school and high school. Now I have to say he’s like a sister to me due to some events that TRANSpired.

4. “You are my favorite Indian dish”

5. “I think you’re filthy amazing. You’re probably cool enough to have my kids. Breathtakingly beautiful too”

6.”To be honest, I think you’re an 8″

7. “If you ever become a MILF, call me”

Lots of horny dudes in 10th grade.

8. “A una estudiante muy especial. Ha sido un placer tenerte en mi clase este ano. Espero lo mejor para el futuro.

Si, seniorita. Hola. Burrito.

9. “You are strange”

10. “Oh and if you ever become a doctor, let me know and I’ll come play sick ; )”

Why Kenny? Is it because I’m Indian? I ended up doing accounting, you dweeb. Let me help you allocate your ASSets ; ) ; )

11. “TAREEN. LEADER OF THE ASIANS.”

12. “E=mc^2”

Gregg = virginity

13. “T-to the –REN. Hit me up”

14. “You gotta follow my footsteps”

I’m about 9 months behind on growing an infant inside of me. I’ll start immediately.

15. “BITCH – Be In Touch Cool Homie”

At least all of my friends had enough dignity to never write HAGS

16. “I always loved to look back and see your facial expressions. You always seemed to show empathy in my class. You were my favorite”

SUCK ON THAT, first period psychology class.

17. “I’m pretty much in love with you gurly <3 ”

She pretty much turned out to be a CRAY

18. “Remember my smell 4 ever!!”

I let this dude marry one of my middle school friends.

19. “That trunk ride from the funeral home was so entertaining”

20. “I brought out the crazy side in you”

Megan, lets further discuss what all you’re willing to take blame for. Message me.

21. “Math was fun”

22. “It was nice getting to know the hottest Muslim in class LOL”

23. “Your Jay Leno chin still cracks me up”

24. “Was up PIMPIN”

What a dude says to you after he realizes that maybe you’ll never crush on him back

25. “Stay fresh, we’re fruits”

No drugs were involved in this yearbook entry. Kevin, I hope you kept your pledge to remain drug free! You never needed it. Flower power.

26. “I had fun, you’re really nice. It was nice sitting next to you”

WAS IT BEN? Was I so fun to sit next to because I’m so nice because I’m so fun all because I’m nice?

27. “Thanks for all your help with the chick. Though it definitely did not work out. We are hanging out over da summmmmer!”

Not to worry Daniel, I have carried on this tradition of issuing failing romance advice

28. “I think of you every time I go to the supermarket and walk by the wasabi peas. Well, I cant see right now because butterball turned off the lights :/ good luck with college!”

29. “You are not complicated, I get you.”

30. “I think you made a wonderful savage woman in AP English”

EX-amples of Why You Shouldn’t Date Me

Posted on April 29, 2013 by Tareen

1. I’m an Ego Crusher

If you like to be right but usually aren’t, your ego will not last long around me. Especially since I’m so good at being wrong. Its important that we both kind of suck.

During a trivial spat with a guy, one of his responses included, “Maybe you should eat more carrots because you heard me wrong—that’s not even what I said.”

Silence. A grin began to creep up my left cheek, and if you ever see this—you’re done.

Me: “Wait, what do you mean? Like, I should eat more carrots because carrots improve hearing? You meant eye sight, right?”

Dude: “No, carrots are for you ears.”

I typed: “carrots are good for your…” and Google finished with “Eyes”. Discussion over. The lesson here was not: Don’t Question Tareen—because I’m wrong all the time but am very okay with it. The lesson was apparently: Question Her in Secrecy and Go Home and Research (then maybe return back with anecdotal proof of your triumphant logic). This never happened.

I found this out because I once used the dude’s laptop and the side search bar pulled up previous searches—half of them were related to conversations he and I had.

Search: Are green onions and chives the same thing?

Search: Do girls actually poop?

Search: Does craving chocolate mean you could be dehydrated?

2. No Really, I’m an Ego Crusher

People in general like to be right, no sin here. But what if you are both convinced, without a smidge of doubt, that this debate is your victory?

Preface: Because we both thought we were hot shit, neither this guy nor I would ever admit to having been smitten over the other prior to the relationship. Mind you, we are already in a full on relationship at this point. We were once discussing how we hate searching and adding people on Facebook.

So I said, “Aww, but you took the time to add me.”

Dude: “Hell nah, you added me.” (RE: Hell Nah, I was obviously dating a drug lord)

Me: “I know for sure you added me”

LET ME SPARE YOU THE DETAILS OF THIS NONSENSE that could not be reconciled. This grossly irrelevant argument escalated over the span of weeks because Facebook is so omnipresent. Our egos and dignity started to ride on this debate.

I knew I was right. He “knew” he was right. I decided to succumb to desperate tactics. Fortunately, I have friends who work at Facebook. I had this super kind person – to whom I now owe a favor to—help me settle this petty debate.

Let me also spare you the suspense: duh, he added me. I felt like a total skeezeball but it was sadly worth it.

3. I Love Your Dad

And when I’m not too busy crushing egos, I like to repeatedly confess my unyielding lust for a male figure in the guy’s life. “Uh-what,” you say? It goes something like this…

“You look really good in that plaid shirt but honestly, nothing compares to how your dad rocks a suit and tie.”

“Are we talking on the phone tonight? No? Fine, I’ll just call up your hot brother then”

Text: Watcha doin?

My reply: Your daddy, in the back seat of a caddy. Don’t be jealous, you bratty.

In the off chance that these jokes would be funny the first time, they were definitely not received well the second or fourteenth time. And of course, the stupid jokes were only plausible up until I would meet the dad or brother. Then the gig was up. Your dad is such a good man! Not freaky at all.

4. I Will Make You Fat

Other than tormenting, I also enjoy cooking. I bet you guys love it when women cook for you. Fancy tacos, seafood stuffed shells, Thai curry, bragging here, chili, and more bragging. Basically anything I like to eat, I make. But guess what homies? I got you fat. All this time you thought I was so precious.

By the end of our relationship, they were always less in shape than when they had met me—and they had not stopped working out or anything. I win you over with your stomach and you lose me over your stomach. Commence maniacal laugh!

5. You Can’t Use My Moves Against Me

Sequel to story above: Guys love sandwiches. One guy kind of got the roles confused and liked to make me sandwiches. It was pretty cool. Not to worry though, I set him straight.

His sandwiches were simple: toasted bread, condiments, lettuce, deli meat, cheese—you get it. I once offered to make him one and when I handed it to him, he was PISSED. This beauty was a triple decker with pesto, two types of cheese, pan seared meat, and thinly sliced tomatoes. He didn’t even know he had those things in his fridge. I just laughed. Don’t try to play my game, buffoons. Cooking is all I can offer. If you cook better than me, we are not happening.

Note: A simple google search will bring you to this blog. I figured this was the perfect post for the peak of my twenties, also known as: Indian Bio-Data season.

I Will Marry Your Creeper

Posted on January 29, 2013 by Tareen

My peers are getting engaged and married. 90% of them are out of straight no where. I didn’t even know half of you had boyfriends. It seems like guys never have girlfriends to begin with so again, no idea what kind of witchcraft you all practice.

What make concerns me, but mostly makes me laugh, is when “creepers” get engaged/married. I remember thinking back in 2009 that no chick would ever date this obsessive weirdo in my class. I’ve seen their tactics yet now there’s a woman wanting to reproduce with them.

“I do” not get it. Here’s something I do get: ladies, whomever we decide to settle down with will have once been some other chicks’ creeper. Every guy is, at some point, gameless and shameless.

Your fiance: He’s intelligent. His family is kind. He makes you laugh every day. He’s getting promoted really soon. He takes you out on thoughtful dates. And oh, he used to whisper disturbing things to this girl in his PoliSci class back in college.

I’m not hating here. In fact, I’ve started to counter creepster behavior with extreme, non-reverse psychology. When a random guy (who knows nothing about what goes on inside your head or has even heard you speak) asks you out, make it real easy on him. Let him find out everything about you in the most maniacal manner.

Example: At the gas station

“WELL SAY GURL, what are youuu doing tonight?”

Normally women will scoff and drive off. New response:

“I’m doing lots of things tonight! But we just met so if you want, you can definitely get my number right this instant. Forget it, let me just call you now so I know you got it so we can FO SHO have each others’ numbers. In case your phone dies at some point in life, add me on Facebook! I wanna see your profile pics! My girlfriends will probably ask for them tonight anyway because I’m going to be talking about how charming this all is. Do you work? Ahh, lets connect on Linkedin. My gas is still pumping so lets follow each other on Twitter. I’m SO motivational on Twitter. It’ll be fun. Oh, you need to go? Well lets take a selfie and instagram it, BOYFRIEND.”

Do not let him get a word in this entire time. Ladies, let’s be creepin’ too. Its 2013 and all about equality now.

Girls’ Night

Posted on January 6, 2013 by Tareen

I’m still not sure what we really mean when we say GIRLS’ NIGHT! I’ve been “out with the girls”, at “dinner with the girls”, had a “girls night in” and variations of this she-bang. But….why?

Maybe women are all secretly normal but on Girls’ Night, things become strange . There’s always this chick who needs a no-judgment situation to eat chocolate covered strawberries. They’re not even tasty. The flavors fight for your attention in your mouth—it’s sweet disaster.

There’s also a photographer of the group will document every critical event, providing you a play-by-play of the entire night for every social media outlet.

[Picture of the champagne and chocolate strawberries]

[Picture of all the girls toasting with chocolate strawberries in hand]

[Picture of all the girls pouting before they head out to town, oh haaaaay]

While this is going on, two members of this female clan will secretly be feuding over some kind of irreconcilable difference. Most of the night will include accommodating for their self-deprecating needs. THEN, one of the girls will begin the night with an almost rehearsed monologue about the benefits of being single, the overall sense of freedom, and the endless demand of boys she gets to entertain. Near the end of the night, this same girl will mope relentlessly as she has no one to pester via text.

Within this Girls’ Night dynamic also lies the character who is totally content with her life. She may have a man but the point to remember is that she never needed one. She kind of has some extra squish but ugh, she works it so well. She never broadcasts how delicious her latte was that morning and you’ve only heard rumors that perhaps she enjoys the company of her cat. Listen girls, we hate her for this! During Girls’ Night, every time someone complains, she assures them that everything will work out in the end – the audacity!

Probably the worst kind of Girls’ Night is when its a Bachelorette Party. Every town once boasts a delightful Piano Bar but the tireless raid of women wearing feathers and tiaras suffocate Piano Bars. They request the entire Grease album, emasculating men and depriving other people of their Piano cover to Journeys “Don’t Stop Believin’.” The nerve!

There is also the self-proclaimed Game-Stopper, the anti-christ of a Wingman. Her goal the entire night is to make sure no other member of the Girls’ Night breaks the one rule: No Boys, No Toys. She’ll be all, “Excuse me, I get that you’re a handsome Surgeon but my girl friend isn’t interested in you. We’re having girls’ night.”

And at last, the ~:~Girl Who Loves Her Boyfriend <3 ~:~. It was difficult to convince this girl to come out, she probably hasn’t even had estrogen exposure in months because she’s always so busy with the love of her life. Most of Girls’ Night will be her expressing her unyielding gratitude for such great girl friends and how she really should do this more often. And that’s the last time she ever does Girls’ Night.

2004 Was the Greatest Year for Music of All Time

Posted on December 9, 2012 by Tareen

You can try to argue with me on this one but 2004 was THE GREATEST year for all kinds of music. Just think about how old you were and where you were then before you check the list. I was in 8th grade and I would rush home after school everyday to catch MTV’s Total Request Live because each day seemed that sensational. So, after 2 hours of scouring through Wikipedia to check song release dates and prancing around in nostaligia, my friend and I finished compiling this list. Most of these artists had multiple chart-toppers but I tried to avoid repeating them. Each of these are exclusively great, hilarious, and equally a classic. I’m not vouching for all of these artists but they definitely made a societal impact with these songs:

Yeah! –Usher ft. Lil Jon and Ludacris
She Likes to Move – NERD
All Falls Down – Kanye West
The Reason –Hoobastank
Hey Ya! – Outkast
Lean Back –Terror Squad
Float On –Modest Mouse
Tipsy – J-Kwon
Goodies – Ciara
Work It – Missy Elliot
American Idiot –Green Day
Freek-a-Leek –Petey Pablo ft. Lil Jon
My Immortal –Evanescence
Dirt Off Your Shoulder –Jay Z
Take Me Out – Franz Ferdinand
Overnight Celebrity –Twista
Since U Been Gone –Kelly Clarkson
Hotel –Cassidy feat. R Kelly
Numb –Linkin Park
She Will Be Loved – Maroon 5
Karma – Alicia Keys
Pieces – Sum 41
Get Low – Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz ft. Ying Yang Twins
Drop It Like Its Hot – Snoop Dogg ft. Pharrell
Are You Gonna Be My Girl – Jet
Where is the Love? – Black Eyed Peas
Just Lose It – Eminem
Breathe Me – Sia
Leave (Get Out) – JoJo
Toxic – Britney Spears
Come Clean – Hilary Duff
Milkshake –Kelis
White Flag – Dido
On Fire – Lloyed Banks
Miss You – Blink 182
Holidae Inn – Chingy ft. Ludacris & Snoop Dogg
Rumors – Lindsay Lohan
I Believe in a Thing Called Love – The Darkness
Culo – Pitbull Ft. Sean Paul
Smile – Lilly Allen
Gasolina – Daddy Yankee
Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani
Wait (Whisper Song) – Ying Yang Twins
Vertigo – U2
I Don’t Want You Back – Eamon
Slow Motion –Juvenile
Somewhere Only We Know –Keane
My Happy Ending –Avril Lavigne
Ch-Check It Out –Beastie Boys

No, I wont shut up. That all happened in 2004.

“Surprise” Birthday Dinners: Lets Stop Doing This to Each Other

Posted on October 18, 2012 by Tareen

Picture this nuisance with me: You walk in and the restaurant is filled with an ambient clutter of loud music and chatty hosts, helping you warm up to a sense of fun importance. There are maybe 2 others in your group who came before you. You are number 3 of 15. No one is on time and absolutely everyone is there for someone else. By the time you all sit down, watch the Birthday Person fake a yelp of glee when they walk in, you are famished. The waiter hasn’t even taken the orders yet.

You then engage in surface level conversations about work, school, and significant others. The entire time, you wish you had sat next to that one person you really want to talk to but they’re too busy juggling three conversations themselves. A total of 15 minutes will be spent on everyone asking the other what they’re ordering. That way, you can know what they’re having and order what you were going to order to anyway. Everyone is loud and complicated and the waiter hates you. Two people will decide it’s not a problem to come half way through dinner. The worst part of this whole pretense is that the Birthday Person carries the burden of making significant impact with all 14 of you before the night ends. He or she will wonder why you invited a random group but not their other close friends. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

You will most likely get your food last and yeah, it was over priced. As checks are being paid, there are murmurs of what the rest of the night holds. The acquaintances all have other engagements and the real 5 friends will stick around for the actual birthday celebration.

Surprise Birthday Dinners: why do we do this to each other? Having a dinner for yourself is acceptable. This angle of it being a surprise is like a game of tag: if one person decides to throw one, a chain reaction is started for the next 364 days for everyone and their respective subgroups.

Not sure what a guy’s excuse is but ladies, I like to make an art out of getting ready as much as you do but planning Surprise Birthday Dinners are not the answer. You know what is? Something fun. Let’s be frank: the person in honor really just wants to hang out with their friends. They’re just glad you’re there. So as their friends, to channel all our efforts into finding a date that works for everyone, picking a restaurant that’s quaint and delicious—all while attempting to surprise the Birthday child—is wasted effort.

Why can’t we all skip the dinner pretense and plan something catered to what the person would really enjoy? Go to sports games, improv shows, karaoke bars, food festivals, support local musicians, a play, the arcade, a boat party, fishing, barbeque, set up a beach/lake picnic, a cooking class, pottery, a drive in theatre, or visit an obscure bar or specialty restaurant. Basically, surprise them with anything else.

Let me be super original and say that there’s an assumption about being in your twenties: you’re out to enjoy to life. You want experiences. With that in mind, why are we using our free time to sit at a giant table of 15, at a quazi-fancy restaurant, celebrating our friend reaching another year? Surprise Birthday dinners can be nice at times but it is mostly the strangest thing we have all made a tradition of.

What We Imagine

The Reality

The End at a Waffle Cone

Posted on August 13, 2012 by Tareen

“Where should we go for dessert?” he asked.

It was customary that after every meal, we get something sweet at a different place so dessert alone could hold its own justice. Even if everything else in the world was a joke, we were very serious about our food. We had just finished dinner and were at a signal that required a quick decision for sweetness. We could head North or go further South. We wondered what was even open that late but not for too long because the light had turned green.

“I have an idea,” he said as he made a turn.

I asked where we were headed but was not really expecting an answer. Most people like surprises, I guess. Even though I was used to the element of expected surprise by then, it had not changed the fact that it was actually a pet peeve established early on.

I started laughing because we came to a place within meters of the signal light. It was a gas station and I figured he wanted ice cream. By the time I asked what he was really getting, the car door had shut and he was running in. I hoped for some chocolate but it didn’t really matter to me either way. He came back with an ice cream cone. Barely unwrapped, he began to gnaw away at the cold chocolate shell you had to break into for the ice cream. I decided to watch in amusement. He started to drive.

As we passed a few exits, I quietly observed as he reached the end of the waffle cone. I sat with a smirk, wondering if he was really going to finish it without even offering. After he was done, I waited a few minutes. Maybe he would come to a sudden a realization.

Then I said, “So, let’s talk about how you didn’t even offer me any.”

There was a pause and then we laughed. I laughed because this was not too surprising, he has these moments often where he becomes engrossed in whatever he is doing. I don’t think the ice cream even had a chance to melt.

“Oh no, I’m sorry. Let’s stop somewhere and get another,” he said.

I said it was fine. I remember thinking how hilarious it was and that it would be a funny story to share later on.

Well, now is Later and Then is over. But as I’m remembering it all, I don’t seem to be laughing.

Having Opinions: Be Prude Yet Shrewd

Posted on August 7, 2012 by Tareen

I struggle with extremism. Overly strong beliefs provide a harbor for narrowed ideas and anchor any potential progress within a thinker. We have invested our views upon only a few media conglomerates, making us susceptible to any mismanaged fact. We react without much thought to misleading statistics. We respond to outrage with more rage or obsession. Our news sources throughout the years have diminished from full-fledged articles, to blogs, to tweets, and memes that grossly generalize complicated ideas.

I think it’s great that many people have responded so sensibly, pinpointing deficiencies in news coverage and reflecting on the morality of any given situation. However, we have become prisoners to our ideologies, our small worlds, and tightly held beliefs. We’ve stunted learning any new information and filter our minds to find what specifically pertains to us. I’m not saying there is an easy solution to revamping the American media. I’m saying that as any other concerned individual, we have to bring it upon ourselves to uncover whats right. For every stance you take—for every post you share—read twice as many opposing articles. Not only can that further cement your position on a subject, but it may also enlighten you to the true issue at hand.

Despite the weight of an issue, it’s important to remain rational and choose leveled words when making an argument. Without the concept of moderation during critical events, we lose sight of what’s at the core of an issue.

Relevant example: there are enraged gunmen committing serious crimes at places one would never hope for. Regardless of what you feel is at the core of these events (whether it is gun control, fair coverage, or pure injustice), be cautious by how you intake new information. Not only heed caution when learning about such tragedies but practice temperance when speaking on it. We aren’t surprised by how stories unfold, not because there isn’t crippling information, but because we have already predetermined our stance. Isn’t it possible that you are immune to reason because you are so deep at one end of an issue? Aren’t we all clouded by a plethora of right and wrong information?

Another relevant example: A chicken sandwich chain and the supposed jeopardy of free speech at one end of the extreme and freedom of religion at the other. Both sides can substantially argue that their first amendment rights are in question. If you are truly appalled by the situation, regardless of which end you stand on, make sure you empathize and rationalize yourself out of an extreme end. Failing to do so will cause your frustration to linger, in which case, your cause has already lost effectiveness. Think of the last time you read something by the extreme opposition and miraculously altered your views? Never. Rage fails us. So, do your research: what other corporations support groups that you feel are opposing your liberty? Or at the other end: Whom else do we quiet as a society for simply speaking their mind?

There is truth to both sides but radical ideas don’t constitute a viable stance on their own.

Really, disproportional and bias news coverage is an old topic. However, the same way a physician takes an oath to practice honest care, journalists need to carry a heavier burden of presenting well-rounded information. Do justice to your beliefs and remain educated. It’s been a work in progress for me to do this as I read/watch the news but it has provided me with a more positive psyche. Change the way you read, be weary of extreme language, and empathize generously to opposing arguments.

This is all my opinion so perhaps I sound extreme myself. If you are easily persuaded by this or don’t agree at all, maybe I failed to make my point. Also relevant: The Best New Show for America

Talks I Had With My Parents

Posted on July 27, 2012 by Tareen

1. I went to elementary school in Los Angeles. Tetherball was no game in L. A., son. My EX-friend—Cholita is what we’ll call her—was playing on my team. The ball was about to hit her face as I saved her by whacking it before it made contact. Cholita thought I slapped her, despite my sincere explanation. I was a shy, overly obedient child and held my dad’s hand while he was walking me out of school. Next thing I know, Cholita and her mother are running after us with colorful accusations. My dad was laughing but I was near tears for this injustice. He told me to forget about Cholita. Whatever. I’m sure this girl has slapped every guy she’s dated since then.

2. In fourth grade, a letter had been sent home from school about “The Video.” This video would outline the reproductive system and show us what lay a head (spoiler: A head). My mom called me from upstairs, wanting to talk. I knew what this was about and didn’t want to hear it.

“Things are going to start happening to you,” she said.

I told her to hold that thought! I was thirsty and would be right back. I jetted to buy some time to come up with surprised faces I could make when she told me of indelicacies I unfortunately already knew.

3. One time, my parents somehow noticed my loose way with words on an AIM conversation. They told me of the shame I’d bring upon my family if anyone else knew. They told tales of their heroic ancestors who all spoke with clean language. No one would marry me anymore, probably. I think I cried because I felt so bad for upsetting them. Then I cried harder because I knew that sh*t was never going to f&cking end.

4. My dad and I have always been tiiiiiight. Mad real, really. He was once transporting me back to my dorm, and he gave me a valuable lesson during that hour-and-a-half drive. I quote, “Go ahead and try everything…just make sure you don’t like it.” And there you have it guys, the Golden Rule for college.

5. But wait, there’s more: I also learned something from my mom! I don’t think anyone graduates college without having a mental breakdown at the library, and it’s never about school. It was first semester of freshman year, and for the first time, I had drama. Naturally, I saved it for my mama. I called her with all the sob, sap, and woe-is-me in the world. She said one thing: b!tches be crazy. No, she didn’t say that, but she did enlighten me: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all women are created insane.

6. I had been 20 years old for only 3 months. I was at my apartment studying for a quiz because I know how to do these things now. I picked up my mom’s call because I thought it would be the usual meal cataloguing and assuring her that I’m alive. She said she wanted me to come home that weekend. She said she met this guy that was apparently a godsend and would probably be the loom to my fruit. I laughed and cut the conversation within 15 minutes. I laughed afterwards, too. I called one of my friends to tell her of the new barrier I had breached, “marriage talk,” and laughed some more. I went to sleep crying. I was not ready to be serious any time soon.

I fabricated a lot of this. Just kidding. No, I did. No I am kidding. Not really. There’s nothing to see here, future employers.

My Late Night Lover

Posted on July 15, 2012 by Tareen

I have a late night disease. Before the sun has the audacity to show its face, I creep into barely open donut shops to meet my lover. There’s a romance there that I can only attempt to understand. Take me very seriously right now. I remember the first time I had one: I was barely 17 years old but there is no age for this kind of connection. It was early and they were fresh. The initial ingress into my mouth summons a gooey euphoria. The ball is so light. The next donut hole soothes my salivating palette. My hollow pits fill with fluffy, ethereal pleasure—transcending all other breakfast beauty. Donut holes are simple but provide evanescent ooze as my lust breaks the fried cloud apart. The honeyed sweetness is like a melody; you don’t know if you ever want it to stop. Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes you just want more instead, just ask Adele.

A bag of a dozen feels empty, as if the darlings were never really there. They weigh enough to hold maybe a napkin down but they heavy my heart like the jubilation of a newborn baby. The glaze brings enough mind and soul through my blood flow to remember that I’m a part of a bigger system. It reminds me that the universe is real. It reminds me that life can tangibly be measured in increments of twelve. The noble Asians tirelessly rise to this majestic, early morning occasion – only they have mastered this donut art. Nothing has ever literally consumed my heart this way before. If you don’t get the donuts at their prime at five in the morning, then what are you doing with your life? They are worth pennies in our vile, material world but their love provides me with a shred of liberation. Donut holes answer my questions; they give me patience. Each warm bite I take engulfs my body with joy and treks through my limbs with might and justice. Their mere existence is the juxtaposition to all that is true of a donut hole. I am indebted to the happiness that donut holes have given me and there’s no trouble believing it.